Honesty

I'll talk about something personal today.

This morning I was asked to define honesty, or more to the point, how do we know when we're being honest. This is something I've thought about a lot and goes a long way to explaining who and what I am. Because I believe that, upon hearing what someone else says, or in responding to something they write, if we don't say the first thing that comes into our mind, we're lying.

And I know that no one else believes this. By and large, people believe their first thought is "unfiltered" and therefore, for that reason, not "thought out," or rather most likely irrational... which is why they'd rather take a beat or two to suss out their answer, rather than "go with their gut," which is what speaking off the cuff is judged to be.

This argument assumes that thinking is like a draft that we clean up, making it suitable for the consumption of others. But I think all of this framing, the choice of words like filter and thinking out, are a form of being disingenuous with others, to be sure they don't think ill of us... because we are more concerned with what others think of us than we are with stating what we have just now thought of their last statement.

Filtering isn't clarity, it's plainspoken an effort to make sure we curate our outward selves not to resemble our inner selves... and I believe that most people have become so habitual in their need to curate, that they lose the ability to ever be ingenuous about what they think, or what they believe... and thus spend all their lives speaking and even acting according to what others will think of them, rather than what they themselves think, period.

And moreover, I believe, those who counsel us to curate our thoughts, to not speak our sincerest opinions, are those most frightened of doing so themselves. It is as if to say, "I have taken all this effort to shut down my thoughts, I think it's unfair that you're not doing the same with yours." It is resentment.

More strangely, having been this way for many decades now, unremittingly, I've also experienced something else most people never do: that of having strangers come to me and say, "It's amazing how you're able to bravely speak your mind; I'm jealous," or words that extent.

Of course I have dabbled with the curation of my speech. I have worked, of course, and learned to frame my answers to persons in authority, especially those who have paid me money, in a filtered manner. I would have been a fool not to. Most people would term this approach a matter of "respect." Those especially likely to term it so would be those who want respect from subordinates, who appreciate the arrangement that if I pay you money for a job done, I expect a level of respect from you, that I'm not going to give in return, because I'm the one with the money.

It's always been a bit strange to me that in an arrangement or reciprocity, the person with the money deserves a respect that the person performing the task isn't owed. But we can shelve that for another day.

What such persons want is not "respect," which is earned, but "deference," which my dictionary defines as submission or yielding to the judgment, opinion, will, etcetera, of another. They may call it respect, because that's a nicer word, but deference better defines what's actually expected. Everyone with a bad boss in this world already knows this, though rarely have they thought it through.

Showing deference to a boss is a question of survival... but when I am showing deference, I know I am lying to them. Most of the time they don't seem to know it. I'm not sure why. Perhaps they don't care. But I don't pretend that when I'm suspending my first thought in preference for a curated answer, that I'm in any way speaking the truth to them. Others, I've noticed, seem not to make this distinction.

Interesting to me is how there are so many people that expect this deference from me when (a) we do not have a shared contract, (b) they don't know who I am; (c) they don't in any visible way seem to respect me, though they demand deference in return; and (d) believe, with all their hearts, that somehow an implied "social contract" exists between all persons on principle, because someone somewhere once coined that term as a means of enforcing deference from persons who were dumb enough to give it for free.

For example, nearly every other voice on the internet.

A recent case in point when I was behaving as a complete asshole on JB's Blackrazor blog, reacting to something I sincerely did not like, while voicing my honest opinion. Which, anyone who has read this blog at length, is want to do. I'm not ashamed of it — in fact, I'll link the post here, stipulating from the start that this certainly isn't about JB. The post is this:

https://bxblackrazor.blogspot.com/2025/11/talking-turkey.html

The post describes the presence of a network graph, or link-graph, which visualises relationships between D&D blogs. I have numerous problems with such representations, beginning with the fact that I dislike this blog being associated with other D&D blogs, which I would rather not count myself among. If someone wants to limit those blogs that actually create content from those that essentially piggyback upon the work of other persons, I would likely be more on board with that. But I deeply, deeply resent being shoved into a crowd of people I do not relate to, do not respect, do not want to have anything to do with, and then also be measured in where I stand in comparison to those people. To my mind, this is like happening to wear a red cap, then being shoved into a crowd of people wearing a MAGA red cap, and then being told I'm ranked such and such among them. The degree to which this rankles me cannot be fully expressed. For that reason, here, I've chosen to curate my opinion about it. Not out of deference, but out of the limitation of words to express my position on this.

My first response, when I gladly believed I wasn't included, was to quote Groucho Marx, which can be read on the link. JB, ever anxious to please, informed me that I was and gave me directions... which caused my second response, which was in essence a channelling of the character John Bender from The Breakfast Club. And though yes, insulting, no question about that, it also expressed my honest opinion about those blogs, and Grognardia in particular, chosen as the biggest bloated circle on the graph.

This response didn't bother JB, who moderates his blog, and willingly posted my response. But JB aims to please, and thus also okay'd this response from Jacob72:

"Tut. I believe that it's unnecessary for you to share a negative view of James' blog in that way. It is possible for me to enjoy JB's, James' and your blogs without trading them off one another in the same way that it is possible for me to enjoy different artists or musical genres. The work and effort that the three of you put into producing posts and maintaining your blogs is to be respected."

Full of all the deference that's expected of me, without the acknowledgement that my answer wouldn't be there if JB hadn't added his seal of approval. As such, I had, in JB's eyes at least, ever right to make my case.

But honesty in the minds of a great many people is not the best policy, because they treat it as a slap in the face. "Necessary?" No. Doesn't serve at all the first tier of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, true enough. My expression, however, it not limited to what's necessary, and certainly not to what other people think is necessary. "In that way..." i.e., not filtered. What Jacob does with his enjoyment is, again, not my responsibility, but bang, deference-expectation again. Grognardia, an "artist?" If at all, certainly a bad one... and remind me, in this culture of the internet, how precisely do we treat "bad artists"?  I've forgotten. Then, finally, the real kicker: we are all equal. That's right. That's why Grognardia shared his big gasbag of being the central massive circle in the circle jerk of the link-graph, to show his "equality," while the effort I put into the writing and making of a point in my posts is no different than Grognardia gushing over... oh, let's see, today... #93 of the Dragon magazine from 30 years ago, and how he enjoyed making sentences in school, adored Frank Mentzer's article, really enjoyed the article, and how he's mellowed over the years. Gosh, golly gee whiz, we're just like different musical genres!

I'm going to barf now.

Here's where we get to the point of this. Four days ago I decided to lie. In answer to Jacob72, I posted a link to Jo Dee Messina, then promptly tried to forget how really pissed off I was. And it didn't work. The lie didn't work. It went around and around in my head, until finally it became this post, because I really couldn't let it rest. My "give-a-damn" for Jacob72's feelings really is busted, but I really resent being dragged into someone else's product modelling, then being counselled that I should "shut up and like it," because it's "unnecessary" for me to express just how really, really, really angry it makes me.

So I decided to give an honest answer about it.