Last night I somewhat lost it upon a comment made which included a link to a 3rd edition set of tables about the weather. I retracted the comment after it had been up for about ten minutes, realizing that I had over-reacted. It's only that what with the intensity with which I approach problem solving on this blog, I see it as downright insulting when some flimsy, little thought out solution is proposed. I have written about this recently, both here and here - hell, one of those posts is only five weeks old ... but even consistent readers of this blog don't seem to get it.
When I ask for something 'simple,' I can see the gentle reader doesn't understand. I want systems that work like pistols. You pick the pistol up. You point the pistol. You press your finger against the trigger. And a huge amount of energy is released, resulting in the desired effect.
There is nothing at all 'simple' about a pistol. There are quite a number of details which come together in order to cause the effect with as much accuracy, as much effect - and as much safety for the user - as possible. Pistols are, if you will excuse the term, extremely granular in their make-up. To you or I, using a pistol is a matter of getting used to the pull and improving our aim. To a gunsmith, it is much, much more.
What I find constantly proposed to me are ideas which are supposed to go BANG! but which in fact are a total failure at hitting the mark. If I roll a table that says 'rain' and I say 'rain' to the players, and they have heard me say 'rain' fifteen times in just this running, the table is, to wit, a piece of crap. If the table requires that I 'make up shit' in order to make the table appear really impressive, then the TABLE is a piece of crap. I may be a marvelous creator, but I don't want a table that depends upon me being a marvelous creator. I have a fuck of a lot of things to create to make a running happen, and it would be nice if some of the load could be taken on by a table that fucking works.
And this is what pisses me off about the later editions altogether. Not because I'm a big edition guy - fuck, I change everything about the game! It's barely AD&D anymore. I obviously have no troubles with alterations to the original game. You just won't catch me claiming any 'Old School' status ... all that's a lot of bullshit anyway. No, really, I don't care about the fact of revamping, redesigning or reimagining the game of D&D. I do it every damn day. What I care about is that the revamp and the redesign was done by IDIOTS. It is still being done by IDIOTS. Idiots who think 'simple' means the pistol is two pieces of metal that are tied together with string and have a kind of L-shape. They are missing the fucking point. They are always missing the fucking point. And people who wave these tables at me, thinking this is as good as it gets? IDIOTS.
I am not looking for half measures. I am not looking for pistols that sometimes work, or have some effect as clubs when they don't work, or which require I dance around and shout "I hit it! I hit it!" when nothing in fact actaully left the barrel of the gun. In general, if you are the sort of IDIOT who thinks sending me some dumbfuck link to someone's dumbfuck half-measured jerk-assed effort at the subject is helpful, please, oh please get your head out of your ass.
When I want to make a table about the weather, I do NOT start with other people's tables from RPG. Some of you IDIOTS may not know it, but in actual fact meterology is a science, and has had quite a terrific amount of effort gone into it to produce some rather elaborate descriptions of a wide variety of observable phenomena. Meteorologists, it may amaze some of you to know, are actually aware that not all Rain is simply Rain. They are in fact busy defining the multiple characteristics of rain, and more to the point they've gone to the bother of writing all that shit down. Obviously, we can't expect paid employees of a game development company to bother reading about all those observations and characteristics, but since I'm not being paid I actually CAN. And I DO. As much as possible. And when I read that there's some other complex, weird, unexpected detail in all that material, I don't go, "Well, that's just too complicated, I better just skip that" ... oh no! No, what I think is, "That's fucking cool, how do I work that in?"
But I am alone in this. Utterly, completely alone. That is more than clear. But I don't care. Because this is the future of this hobby ... not your kindergarten tables and your L-shaped pieces of metal you point at each other shouting BANG BANG to compensate for the pieces of metal not actually doing anything. Obviously, I don't expect the IDIOTS to get on board with this, but ...
If the rest of you people who most of the time have brains could just use them a tiny fraction more, and STOP sending me crap from the RPG universe, I would be a whole lot less annoyed.