As my finger steadily improves, and my doctor at last feels assured that I'm not going to lose the first two knuckles (which, apparently, was a possibility; though this was not relayed to me until it ceased being a threat), I have learned to type with nine fingers, again without having to look at the keyboard. We must adapt to survive.
For months now I have debated the practicality of creating more podcast, acknowledging that I have no one with whom to chat. I've listened to hours of people talking alone and it is always an effort. The worst is people mumbling about themselves (as I'm doing now) and taking ten minutes to get to the point ~ which is almost always a class in how to be Captain Obvious where it comes to advice. People talk too slow or hedge their opinions far too much; I get awfully tired of a podcaster who thinks enough of himself that he's going to make 200+ audio recordings of his own voice, but still feels the need to repeat some version of "your mileage may vary." Personally, I'd like to think listeners are smart enough to figure that part out for themselves, and not think they're duty-bound to believe all that they hear. I know that no one hesitates to tell ME that they disagree, without my giving permission. Somehow, it only reminds me how desperately these podcasters want to be liked.
I have had more time to explore and experiment with the sound of my own voice, since I haven't been able to type which much ease of late. I'm unsure of my voice and of my content. I'm sure there's little chance of anything I have to say being popular. My chief concern is that I don't run out of things to say after the first 8 hours. Any such content, popular or not, will have to remain free ... but I do hope to use a podcast to draw in new followers and Patreon supporters, just as anyone else does on the internet. I worry, however. I've found that when I start talking passionately about D&D, my dissatisfaction with the state of play and with the content I encounter from other websites and the game's production company simply boils out of me.
I'm not sure why I'm so angry. I suppose because I'm being told to believe in the blatant abuse of the game I love, or that I'm told that disrespecting the intelligence and free will of players should be business as usual ... and because I know that this is propaganda that's been disseminated for decades by the company. I'm just as furious that cheating and lying to people has been used as a promotional tactic to sell the game to children, who have grown to be adults ~ who now defend this as a legitimate DMing approach. The philosophy has become so pervasive now that parents raised to be these players are now teaching their own children that cheating with dice and manipulating the game's rules ad hoc are perfectly fine. What sort of children are we raising?
This is not the only problem I have with the company's agenda. I want to create a podcast with a positive bent, but I don't know how to silence myself entirely. And because disparaging the company ALSO means challenging the myopic belief system of those grown-up children who fell in love with the company's products than with the game itself, I once again find myself in a place where any podcast I might put together will be as despised as I was when I first started blogging. People, on the whole, have gotten used to me now. They may not like me, but they read me, because they know there will be content here. A podcast, however, means reaching out to a lot of people who have never heard of me, and pissing them off. I hesitate to go down that road again.
But, I'm still me. And the solution to the dilemma is to admit that I'm not going to produce a podcast that censors myself. Which means, engendering enemies and swallowing that as need be. I'm thicker skinned today than I was in 2008; and I think a podcast gives less opportunity for detractors to directly piss on the material presented. Yes, people can go make their own content slamming me, but they can't slam me inside my content or on my page; and no advertising is bad. There will always be people who hate us. And there will also be those who appreciate what we do. That is the first rule of the internet and of real life. However many enemies we will make, we also have the power to gather together a family who will support our cause. It does well to remember that.
I hope to have a preliminary episode up in a few days. It isn't going to be great, but it will be authentic. If we look at anyone producing quality content right now, we know their early stuff lacked the polish of their present work. I have to believe that I have the capacity improve also. I've already learned a great deal about audio in the last few years. At this point, I've just got to leap forward, and stick with it.
Saturday, March 7, 2020
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Don't Look if You Have a Weak Stomach
I apologize for this. But if you feel somewhat queasy at the sight of my finger, let me first say that I've been experiencing this personally for two weeks today.
This is the index finger on my left hand, which has turned septic. I am on medication and I have full access to medical assistance; but I have been told this must run its course. I feel that I've turned a corner, at least, as this looks better than it did five days ago. Slightly.
These images show my finger after two hours of letting it drain. It is all clean lymph and plasma. No pus.
In any case, this is the reason I haven't worked much on the new wiki. My apologies for showing the images. I guess I feel I need some comaraderie.
These images show my finger after two hours of letting it drain. It is all clean lymph and plasma. No pus.
In any case, this is the reason I haven't worked much on the new wiki. My apologies for showing the images. I guess I feel I need some comaraderie.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
South Carolina
But we know that South Carolina is absolutely going to go red in November, no matter who is running, meaning that every democratic voter's opinion about who should be the Democratic president is utterly meaningless ...
No Democrat in South Carolina at tonight's debate, or voting in Saturday's primary, will have dick to say about the next President of the United States ... so who gives a rat's ass who the fuck South Carolinians pick in the primary? This week of discourse and babblejazz is a waste of goddamn air ... and I guess I just thought someone should say it out loud. The candidates aren't going to, the news isn't going to and the internet seems dense as lead on the subject.
I get how the system works and why, historically, it was built this way. What I don't get is why people are incapable of viewing the inanity of it intelligently.
P.S.
Consistent D&D content available for a $3 donation to my patreon account.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Health Care
In a few days, my partner Tamara is going to be sworn in as a permanent resident in Canada. On that day she will receive the right to work, to own property, to run a business ... and to bring herself to any doctor in the country receiving patients and receive free healthcare.
Yesterday, because I have been unsatisfied with my doctor over the last six months, due to changes in his attention to his practice, I made a phone call. My former doctor's office is 700 steps (according to my phone) from my front door. I called a different doctor's office, in another direction, that is 1,100 steps from my front door. I made an appointment yesterday for a "meet and greet" at 10:50 AM this morning. I arrived and waited 2 minutes in the doctor's office. I waited 1 minute in the examination room. By 11:05, I had a new doctor, he had complete knowledge of my conditions from the national computer health system, he had addressed the finger I cut a piece out of on Saturday, and I had a prescription in my pocket for the ramapril I've been taking the last five months to lower my blood pressure.
People in America talk about a national single-payer health care system meaning, (a) they won't be allowed to choose their doctor; and (b) it will mean long wait times.
Bullshit.
It stuns me to think that, despite the 15 months of lawyers and jumping through hoops with Immigration Canada, and the money that involved, that suddenly my American partner is able to go to a doctor of her choice, have her eyes examined properly, have an appointment made to address her cataracts, then to have the procedure, with the participation of nurses, doctors, accountants, administrators and so on, without insurance and without it costing any money, simply because now she is not only an American but is also a Canadian resident. And, point in fact, not a citizen. She is not a citizen of this country. Yet because I am a citizen, and because I have stood up for her, my country has agreed that I'm valuable enough to be personally serviced in this way. My partner, my country says, deserves to be treated for free because she is my partner. And that is the only reason my country needs.
During my university years, I took several political science courses at the U of C, particularly those relating to the history of Canadian politics and political theory. One prof I had, Dr. Jacobson, was fond of disparaging John F. Kennedy, whom he saw as a doofus ~ not because he was a Democrat but because ~ as Dr. Jacobson would stress ~ he didn't understand the first thing about what a government is for. In his opinion, Kennedy was famous for saying the stupidest thing ever said about government:
Kennedy in the above pretends to speak for the country; but in reality, he's only able to speak for the country's government. Americans are fond of saying that the president is the leader of the country, but in reality, the people of the country do not take their orders from the president, or from any other member of the government. The government establishes laws and the people choose whether or not to abide by those laws. But no one above the level of a police officer orders you to follow a law; and the officer does not give a good-goddamn what you can do for him.
We elect governments and create a bureaucracy in order that the government will serve US, and OUR needs, not the government's. Deciding what needs are to be served is and ought to be above the government's pay grade. When I, as a citizen, cannot go to my government and say, "I love this woman, and I expect you to keep her healthy so that we may be happy and live a long life together," then my government gives no more of a good-goddamn about me than does a policeman pushing me back behind a barricade or ordering me to the side of the road. When I cannot make a reasonable request of my government and expect to receive it, then I am a slave.
If my American partner was living in America right now, that's what she would be. But I fell in love with her, and brought her here ... and though I did it all wrong, and feared what my country might say about it, I've learned to my pleasure that, in fact, my country is here to serve me. Dr. Jacobson was right.
When your American government tells you that you're only entitled to live when you give money to a private corporation, who will then decide whether or not you're healthy enough to insure ... when your American government tells you that you're entitled only to go to certain hospitals according to the private insurance you've had to buy ... and when you're told by your American government that the value of your life, and the life of your partner, and the lives of your children, is subject to the decisions of corporations and hospitals who are motivated by money, and not by your personal well-being, then you are a slave.
And when others rise up, and say, "Let's not be slaves, like other countries, who do not ask their people to subject themselves to the dictates of privately-driven profit," and still others make up lies about not being able to choose your doctor or about how long you'll have to wait before you receive care, and you do not see this as a scheme to ensure that you remain a slave, then you are not only a slave, but you are a fool also.
I, with Tamara, feel sorry for you.
Yesterday, because I have been unsatisfied with my doctor over the last six months, due to changes in his attention to his practice, I made a phone call. My former doctor's office is 700 steps (according to my phone) from my front door. I called a different doctor's office, in another direction, that is 1,100 steps from my front door. I made an appointment yesterday for a "meet and greet" at 10:50 AM this morning. I arrived and waited 2 minutes in the doctor's office. I waited 1 minute in the examination room. By 11:05, I had a new doctor, he had complete knowledge of my conditions from the national computer health system, he had addressed the finger I cut a piece out of on Saturday, and I had a prescription in my pocket for the ramapril I've been taking the last five months to lower my blood pressure.
People in America talk about a national single-payer health care system meaning, (a) they won't be allowed to choose their doctor; and (b) it will mean long wait times.
Bullshit.
It stuns me to think that, despite the 15 months of lawyers and jumping through hoops with Immigration Canada, and the money that involved, that suddenly my American partner is able to go to a doctor of her choice, have her eyes examined properly, have an appointment made to address her cataracts, then to have the procedure, with the participation of nurses, doctors, accountants, administrators and so on, without insurance and without it costing any money, simply because now she is not only an American but is also a Canadian resident. And, point in fact, not a citizen. She is not a citizen of this country. Yet because I am a citizen, and because I have stood up for her, my country has agreed that I'm valuable enough to be personally serviced in this way. My partner, my country says, deserves to be treated for free because she is my partner. And that is the only reason my country needs.
During my university years, I took several political science courses at the U of C, particularly those relating to the history of Canadian politics and political theory. One prof I had, Dr. Jacobson, was fond of disparaging John F. Kennedy, whom he saw as a doofus ~ not because he was a Democrat but because ~ as Dr. Jacobson would stress ~ he didn't understand the first thing about what a government is for. In his opinion, Kennedy was famous for saying the stupidest thing ever said about government:
"And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you ~ ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man."
Kennedy in the above pretends to speak for the country; but in reality, he's only able to speak for the country's government. Americans are fond of saying that the president is the leader of the country, but in reality, the people of the country do not take their orders from the president, or from any other member of the government. The government establishes laws and the people choose whether or not to abide by those laws. But no one above the level of a police officer orders you to follow a law; and the officer does not give a good-goddamn what you can do for him.
We elect governments and create a bureaucracy in order that the government will serve US, and OUR needs, not the government's. Deciding what needs are to be served is and ought to be above the government's pay grade. When I, as a citizen, cannot go to my government and say, "I love this woman, and I expect you to keep her healthy so that we may be happy and live a long life together," then my government gives no more of a good-goddamn about me than does a policeman pushing me back behind a barricade or ordering me to the side of the road. When I cannot make a reasonable request of my government and expect to receive it, then I am a slave.
If my American partner was living in America right now, that's what she would be. But I fell in love with her, and brought her here ... and though I did it all wrong, and feared what my country might say about it, I've learned to my pleasure that, in fact, my country is here to serve me. Dr. Jacobson was right.
When your American government tells you that you're only entitled to live when you give money to a private corporation, who will then decide whether or not you're healthy enough to insure ... when your American government tells you that you're entitled only to go to certain hospitals according to the private insurance you've had to buy ... and when you're told by your American government that the value of your life, and the life of your partner, and the lives of your children, is subject to the decisions of corporations and hospitals who are motivated by money, and not by your personal well-being, then you are a slave.
And when others rise up, and say, "Let's not be slaves, like other countries, who do not ask their people to subject themselves to the dictates of privately-driven profit," and still others make up lies about not being able to choose your doctor or about how long you'll have to wait before you receive care, and you do not see this as a scheme to ensure that you remain a slave, then you are not only a slave, but you are a fool also.
I, with Tamara, feel sorry for you.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Approved
As it happens, I have every reason to continue loving my country.
Following the situation we were in last week, Tamara and I have just heard from our lawyer, about an hour ago. Following the receipt of the immigration landing fee, she is approved by the government to remain permanently in Canada. The "interview" we have on the 25th is a rubber stamp. We have to present ourselves together, to prove we're both here, but the result is a foregone conclusion. She's approved to stay.
This has been a long 15 months, and a long nearly 18 years altogether. As it happens, we still owe a thousand dollars to the lawyer, but on this there is no time limit (apart from being sure it does get paid in reasonable order). After the ceremony on the 25th, Tamara will wait 2-3 weeks for her papers; and then we can begin moving ahead on seeing what we can do with the health care system regarding her vision and her diabetes.
We're all in a state of shock here. Disbelief, I think, is the appropriate word. We were told to go out and celebrate but we're having trouble letting go of the stick. We were so sure this was going to end in a horrible wreck, the idea that it won't seems antithetical.
Still, here we are. Happy. Thank you, Canada.
Following the situation we were in last week, Tamara and I have just heard from our lawyer, about an hour ago. Following the receipt of the immigration landing fee, she is approved by the government to remain permanently in Canada. The "interview" we have on the 25th is a rubber stamp. We have to present ourselves together, to prove we're both here, but the result is a foregone conclusion. She's approved to stay.
This has been a long 15 months, and a long nearly 18 years altogether. As it happens, we still owe a thousand dollars to the lawyer, but on this there is no time limit (apart from being sure it does get paid in reasonable order). After the ceremony on the 25th, Tamara will wait 2-3 weeks for her papers; and then we can begin moving ahead on seeing what we can do with the health care system regarding her vision and her diabetes.
We're all in a state of shock here. Disbelief, I think, is the appropriate word. We were told to go out and celebrate but we're having trouble letting go of the stick. We were so sure this was going to end in a horrible wreck, the idea that it won't seems antithetical.
Still, here we are. Happy. Thank you, Canada.
Thursday, February 6, 2020
Again with the New Wiki
Let me start by saying thank you to those who have jumped to support me, both financially and emotionally, in these times of troubles. I am very grateful.
A good friend of mine has recently launched his web service company ~ and as a gift he's providing me with an unlimited traditional wiki. It is live now, at http://wiki.alexissmolensk.com/. This will be officially my fourth D&D wiki since 2009 ~ and hopefully I won't have to relaunch it again. My friend assures me that whatever happens, he'll be able to continue hosting me.
This means that, as it did in early 2018, my wiki will be moving. The plan this time around is to rebuild the wiki from scratch, since I don't have to worry about blogger going down. In fact, I'll probably leave the blogger wiki active, for those who have made bookmarks and probably don't want to change them.
I've given this some thought. The move last time taught me that shifting the content is a mere annoyance compared to shifting more than 10,000 page links. My wiki is also 350 pages larger than it was two years ago. As such, I've decided the first step is to create ALL the page titles up front, so that any existing page can be linked before the first actual content is copied. This is about 1,400 pages; I was able to create 603 titles today (since about 1:30pm). As it happens, coincidentally, I have a little time off as yet another restaurant undergoes a renovation. This has allowed me to write more than usual this last week or so.
Going back to a traditional wiki grants me an improvement in tools that I've had to forego using a blog. I don't know who remembers, but I looked into several wikis back in late 2017, only to find they did not have enough memory or that they had content rules that did not suit my needs. Both of those restrictions are now gone.
A proper wiki enables me to search for orphans (nothing links to the page) and dead ends (the page links to nothing else). It allows me to make changes without worries that the changes will be lost, as all changes are recorded in a history. It means the content is no longer posted linearally, so that I can control what is seen first. I haven't tested this yet, but I believe it gives me a menu so that the reader can skip down the page, like with wikipedia. And, once again, since I can fix any bad changes that might be made, it means I can allow other people to participate.
Here's what I learned from previous volunteers who joined my wiki:
A good friend of mine has recently launched his web service company ~ and as a gift he's providing me with an unlimited traditional wiki. It is live now, at http://wiki.alexissmolensk.com/. This will be officially my fourth D&D wiki since 2009 ~ and hopefully I won't have to relaunch it again. My friend assures me that whatever happens, he'll be able to continue hosting me.
This means that, as it did in early 2018, my wiki will be moving. The plan this time around is to rebuild the wiki from scratch, since I don't have to worry about blogger going down. In fact, I'll probably leave the blogger wiki active, for those who have made bookmarks and probably don't want to change them.
I've given this some thought. The move last time taught me that shifting the content is a mere annoyance compared to shifting more than 10,000 page links. My wiki is also 350 pages larger than it was two years ago. As such, I've decided the first step is to create ALL the page titles up front, so that any existing page can be linked before the first actual content is copied. This is about 1,400 pages; I was able to create 603 titles today (since about 1:30pm). As it happens, coincidentally, I have a little time off as yet another restaurant undergoes a renovation. This has allowed me to write more than usual this last week or so.
Going back to a traditional wiki grants me an improvement in tools that I've had to forego using a blog. I don't know who remembers, but I looked into several wikis back in late 2017, only to find they did not have enough memory or that they had content rules that did not suit my needs. Both of those restrictions are now gone.
A proper wiki enables me to search for orphans (nothing links to the page) and dead ends (the page links to nothing else). It allows me to make changes without worries that the changes will be lost, as all changes are recorded in a history. It means the content is no longer posted linearally, so that I can control what is seen first. I haven't tested this yet, but I believe it gives me a menu so that the reader can skip down the page, like with wikipedia. And, once again, since I can fix any bad changes that might be made, it means I can allow other people to participate.
Here's what I learned from previous volunteers who joined my wiki:
1. It wasn't as much fun as they expected. They learned that making rule and content pages for public view is taxing and somewhat less than emotionally rewarding.2. Wiki-design does require some experience and training.3. They found themselves intimidated by both my output and the quality of appearance I created, or so I was told, and this turned out to be discouraging.4. It is hard to invent something worthy to add.
5. They did not want to bother me.6. Fixing grammar and spelling mistakes sucks.
So, I can offer a little advice. First, the wiki exists to make an impression on the D&D playing world; as such, I want the wiki to look as professional and attractive as possible. Like everyone else on the web filling up their instagram and pintrest folders, I am actively using a website to display rich, stylish pictures that I am best able to link to specific pages. I am also working to standardize the tables that appear on these pages, in color and the utilization of white space and soft-gray borders. A table that is tightly designed with hard black borders looks garish and unpleasant; but this is a problem that can be easily fixed, if the volunteer will ask me for help.
If anyone wants to be a volunteer, this is a priority: interrupt me, engage with me, ask me questions, let me help you. Design is really not that hard, but it comes easier if you treat it as a learning experience.
Apart from moving the content of 1,400 files, which volunteers can help with (if they want the experience), I have hundreds of hours of real content work that needs to be added to the wiki: monsters, spells, sage ability rules, history, herbs and medicines, magic items, etc. For volunteers who might be interested, I don't need someone to invent new work by brainstorming ideas. I need people who might be interested in rewriting all the AD&D 4th level mage spells, or researching falconry to figure out what sage abilities ought to be included; or giving a precise list of valuable (and very minor) in game benefits to be gained from berberis, comfrey root, gelsemium, hyssop, kelp, quince and white bryony. I would prefer that these benefits were based on real myths discovered about the herbs, and not out of one's pocket.
Yes, any new work that anyone takes on would be subject to veto from me; or most likely some adjustment, major or minor. It is a question of playability, actual game value being added, continuity with the existing system and general quality. I know how intimidating that sounds; but it isn't a personal attack, it is a matter of my experience ~ not only my age, but the enormous amount of time I've spent producing content exactly like that which already appears on the wiki. This could be a learning experience for the right group of volunteers ~ and what makes the right group is less a matter of genius and talent as it is a willingness to learn and see the world more thoroughly through research, adaptation and respecting the spirit of that thing being represented.
Before putting a page together about a monster, I spend a good deal of time reading about its behaviour, dimensions and habitat ... and paraphrasing carefully directly from the source material in order to translate it to D&D, rather than build a thing out of whole cloth. This is partly why I'm able to manage so much content: because I'm stealing it directly from sources, adjusting certain phrases and details so it will fit a game world. I can't teach this process; but I can identify when it is not being done well.
I would like some volunteers. I need people who are willing to do nothing more than fix spelling and grammatical errors, find broken links, or add links to a page if some other page is referenced. Or look at content and say, "Gee, that doesn't quite make sense." And then try to fix it themselves, or come and find me. You're not bothering me. You're making the wiki better. It is then my responsibility to help you make that wiki better.
If you want to join, for the present know that the first big task is going to be populating the new wiki. That's dull, repetitive, boring work. But I made 600 blank pages today; and I will probably make a hundred or so more before I go to bed tonight. Dull, repetitive work is often how the greatest things get built: 99% perspiration and all that.
I'd like some help, yes. But this is one thing where the quality comes first ~ and I will happily work alone, if need be, to ensure that quality. As annoying as it is to keep having to build it again, I believe that my wiki is the best work I do.
Monday, February 3, 2020
18 Years
This is my 3000th post.
This, in addition to the 107 posts I have written on the closed blog, The Higher Path. It has taken me quite some time to reach this number of posts ~ and as it happened, I did not notice myself approaching this number. I only noticed with my last post, two days ago, that I was at 2,999. Just in time, as it happened.
The subject today is not a comfortable one. And it isn't about D&D. I've been holding off writing it for exactly 15 months now ~ and even now, I can't tell the whole story.
Some readers will have been following me long enough to have heard the name Tamara. My partner Tamara is an American citizen living here in Canada with me, as she has been doing since May 2, 2002. We came here together after my living with her a month in Flint, Michigan, where she was when we met. After that lengthy time, there was no way of our remaining together without coming back here to Calgary, as at that time my daughter was only 13.
At first, we did not know for sure what to do. Tamara came into Canada at a time when U.S. citizens did not need a passport to cross the border. Still, we knew that sooner or later people here were going to notice that this non-citizen had been in the country for at least six months ~ at which point we feared our being separated. I will tell you frankly: neither her nor I could bear the very idea. And so we did the very best thing we could do: we did nothing.
Whether that was right or not became a constant discussion of the first years of our being together. In the end, knowing it was wrong, we loved each other. We still do, more deeply than we did then. And so Tamara stayed here and we made an agreement very early on. In order to keep from compounding one wrong upon another, Tamara agreed that while she was in Canada, she would not get a job. She would not work under the table. This would mean that whatever I did, I would be forced to support her, no matter what.
And so I have, these last 17 years. If some readers have wondered from time to time why I seem to be perpetually in a situation of dire straits, this is why. Throughout the 2000s, I had good work; and I had a very good job for the first half of the last decade. But it has been five years since I have been able to find a proper office position, most of that time being dominated by the fall in oil prices, which has produced a recession here in Alberta that will not go away. Since 2015 I have been forced to work a series of low-end, largely restaurant-based jobs, doing things like cooking or customer service, just to make ends meet. If it had not been for Patreon, we wouldn't have made it.
Progressively, Tamara and I have become older. I was 37 when she came to Canada; she was 43. Today I am 55 and Tamara is 61. And as we have both aged, this mess we put ourselves into has become increasingly more difficult. No one ever did turn up to oust Tamara from the country; but health issues have meant that from time to time I've had to pay for things out of my own pocket, because while I have health care, she does not.
This came to a head in July to October of 2018. At that time, Tamara began to develop cataracts, a clouding of the lens in the eye which leads to a decrease in vision. We looked into how to have them treated, which informed us that ~ even if we had the money ~ the procedure could not be done in Canada on a U.S. citizen because it was considered optional. This meant, to manage the issue, we'd have to send her back to the States.
She has no family there or connections. And we haven't the money to set her up properly to live on her own, particularly as she was finding it increasingly hard to see. So we took the next best option, as of November 2018. We came clean.
We sought out a lawyer and explained our situation. For these last 15 months, we have been jumping through hoops in the hopes of retaining immigrant status. This has so far cost us about $5,000 ... which we have managed to pay through austerity, hard work and (about 10%) with the help of Patreon and direct donations. It has been a year of self-denial and a great deal of stress; and yet, steadily, we've gotten closer and closer to our goal. This, despite the very real danger that we will be forcibly separated after being together for 17+ years. And worse, Tamara has been reduced to where she is forced to get about with a white cane, to let cars and others know that she can't see all that well. I am right here, beside her, making her as safe as I can; but progressively, we're losing this battle too.
On top of all this, we found out through the government examining Tamara to see if she had a communicable disease (standard policy, as most immigrants are just arrived from overseas) that she has diabetes type-2. As I say, our age is catching up to us. I'm fine and healthy; I recently had a full battery of tests to check me for cancer and what else, but I'm good to go for a while longer.
Writing this today, we're closing in on the last step. Tamara managed to obtain her first ever passport from the United States in mid-January, which included our travelling to American soil (so-called) at the U.S. Embassy in western Canada. Thank the spirits the office was in Calgary and not in Vancouver, Winnipeg or Edmonton. I don't know how we would have swung a trip like that.
And now we have an interview to meet with the government immigration officer on February 25th, to look us over personally. We've been together so long, I don't think there are any questions they can ask us that won't produce positive results ~ but of course we're both scared and stressed out of our minds at this point.
And we've also been asked for an "immigration landing fee" of $490. To be produced by the 22nd.
We don't have it. My friends might, but I've been around the horn once already and most of them are hurting from the recession also. The tradespeople I know are struggling to hold onto their property as their facing constant and inconsistent layoffs.
I can't afford to take an advance from work. There'd be no way to pay for March.
And so, hat in hand ... can the reader help? Can you make a donation?
I don't need all of it. I'll get whatever I need from someplace, one way or another. Supporting Tamara all these years, I've learned how to eat hand-to-mouth ambidextrously. But I have turned to the internet in times of troubles before ~ and you've come through for me before. I apologize that I have to ask again.
Please.
I love her.
UPDATE:
Please do not donate. We've received the money already. I'm on the verge of tears.
This, in addition to the 107 posts I have written on the closed blog, The Higher Path. It has taken me quite some time to reach this number of posts ~ and as it happened, I did not notice myself approaching this number. I only noticed with my last post, two days ago, that I was at 2,999. Just in time, as it happened.
The subject today is not a comfortable one. And it isn't about D&D. I've been holding off writing it for exactly 15 months now ~ and even now, I can't tell the whole story.
Some readers will have been following me long enough to have heard the name Tamara. My partner Tamara is an American citizen living here in Canada with me, as she has been doing since May 2, 2002. We came here together after my living with her a month in Flint, Michigan, where she was when we met. After that lengthy time, there was no way of our remaining together without coming back here to Calgary, as at that time my daughter was only 13.
At first, we did not know for sure what to do. Tamara came into Canada at a time when U.S. citizens did not need a passport to cross the border. Still, we knew that sooner or later people here were going to notice that this non-citizen had been in the country for at least six months ~ at which point we feared our being separated. I will tell you frankly: neither her nor I could bear the very idea. And so we did the very best thing we could do: we did nothing.
Whether that was right or not became a constant discussion of the first years of our being together. In the end, knowing it was wrong, we loved each other. We still do, more deeply than we did then. And so Tamara stayed here and we made an agreement very early on. In order to keep from compounding one wrong upon another, Tamara agreed that while she was in Canada, she would not get a job. She would not work under the table. This would mean that whatever I did, I would be forced to support her, no matter what.
And so I have, these last 17 years. If some readers have wondered from time to time why I seem to be perpetually in a situation of dire straits, this is why. Throughout the 2000s, I had good work; and I had a very good job for the first half of the last decade. But it has been five years since I have been able to find a proper office position, most of that time being dominated by the fall in oil prices, which has produced a recession here in Alberta that will not go away. Since 2015 I have been forced to work a series of low-end, largely restaurant-based jobs, doing things like cooking or customer service, just to make ends meet. If it had not been for Patreon, we wouldn't have made it.
Progressively, Tamara and I have become older. I was 37 when she came to Canada; she was 43. Today I am 55 and Tamara is 61. And as we have both aged, this mess we put ourselves into has become increasingly more difficult. No one ever did turn up to oust Tamara from the country; but health issues have meant that from time to time I've had to pay for things out of my own pocket, because while I have health care, she does not.
This came to a head in July to October of 2018. At that time, Tamara began to develop cataracts, a clouding of the lens in the eye which leads to a decrease in vision. We looked into how to have them treated, which informed us that ~ even if we had the money ~ the procedure could not be done in Canada on a U.S. citizen because it was considered optional. This meant, to manage the issue, we'd have to send her back to the States.
She has no family there or connections. And we haven't the money to set her up properly to live on her own, particularly as she was finding it increasingly hard to see. So we took the next best option, as of November 2018. We came clean.
We sought out a lawyer and explained our situation. For these last 15 months, we have been jumping through hoops in the hopes of retaining immigrant status. This has so far cost us about $5,000 ... which we have managed to pay through austerity, hard work and (about 10%) with the help of Patreon and direct donations. It has been a year of self-denial and a great deal of stress; and yet, steadily, we've gotten closer and closer to our goal. This, despite the very real danger that we will be forcibly separated after being together for 17+ years. And worse, Tamara has been reduced to where she is forced to get about with a white cane, to let cars and others know that she can't see all that well. I am right here, beside her, making her as safe as I can; but progressively, we're losing this battle too.
On top of all this, we found out through the government examining Tamara to see if she had a communicable disease (standard policy, as most immigrants are just arrived from overseas) that she has diabetes type-2. As I say, our age is catching up to us. I'm fine and healthy; I recently had a full battery of tests to check me for cancer and what else, but I'm good to go for a while longer.
Writing this today, we're closing in on the last step. Tamara managed to obtain her first ever passport from the United States in mid-January, which included our travelling to American soil (so-called) at the U.S. Embassy in western Canada. Thank the spirits the office was in Calgary and not in Vancouver, Winnipeg or Edmonton. I don't know how we would have swung a trip like that.
And now we have an interview to meet with the government immigration officer on February 25th, to look us over personally. We've been together so long, I don't think there are any questions they can ask us that won't produce positive results ~ but of course we're both scared and stressed out of our minds at this point.
And we've also been asked for an "immigration landing fee" of $490. To be produced by the 22nd.
We don't have it. My friends might, but I've been around the horn once already and most of them are hurting from the recession also. The tradespeople I know are struggling to hold onto their property as their facing constant and inconsistent layoffs.
I can't afford to take an advance from work. There'd be no way to pay for March.
And so, hat in hand ... can the reader help? Can you make a donation?
I don't need all of it. I'll get whatever I need from someplace, one way or another. Supporting Tamara all these years, I've learned how to eat hand-to-mouth ambidextrously. But I have turned to the internet in times of troubles before ~ and you've come through for me before. I apologize that I have to ask again.
Please.
I love her.
UPDATE:
Please do not donate. We've received the money already. I'm on the verge of tears.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
Boosters
"We are participating in these massive experiments in behavioral psychology; organizational behavior. We are the lab rats.""Change itself really overwhelms people's brains and it does really bad things to people ... when you think about new antidepressant drugs; when a pharmaceutical company develops one, you can't just test it out on humans and see what happens. So they start them out on rats to see if they work. But then the question becomes, how do you make a rat depressed ~ to see if the antidepressant works? ... they had to come up with something and this is it: unpredictable chronic mild stress protocol. All they do is make tiny changes in the rat's environment. So you tilt its cage a little bit; or you change its bedding, you put in wet bedding; or you put in shavings that have urine and feces from a different animal, from a different rat; or you might change the cycle of night and day to throw it off; or play sounds of a predator bird for ten minutes and then stop ... you just make small changes, but they have to be unpredictable."Dan Lyons, describing his book, Lab Rats
I strongly recommend the whole video; Lyons is an excellent, relaxed speaker and a realist. I haven't read the book yet, but the premise fits my own experience with working in office environments, particularly the sort where training sessions and purposeless work was de rigueur.
I find the above piece interesting, as it suggests that anti-depressant drugs don't actually remove depression; they simply stop you from caring about the momentary discomforts and inconsistencies that cause stress. This explains so much about the behaviour of those friends I've had who were put on anti-depressants, as was my first wife, after she became a quadrapelegic. They don't "free" you to think positively about things. They simply cause you not to care about the constant changes going on around you. I should go to the hospital because something is wrong? Whatever. The boss has cut my pay by 20%? Sure. My team won the superbowl? Meh. Anti-depressants even you out; and apparently, since they're designed to help this rat live in some other rat's feces, that makes a lot of sense now.
Lyons talks about the effort that companies make to sell you on things as "amazing experiences," innundating the discussion with allusions to other people who were moved or changed by this experience you're about to have, or how this seminar revitalized other players in the industry, or how hugely successful people swear by this technique or that "tool" where it comes to their success. This tactic is said to work; it is said to achieve results; but if you've never been a part of a company seminar, allow me to bring you up to speed.
First of all, the person who BUYS the seminar is never part of the group who TAKE the seminar. You take it because you're told to, because your job is at stake, and you are not given a choice. You're also told its for the good of the company and success and all that, but you don't go because it's good for the company. You go because it's your job.
Secondly, the people who enjoy seminars are the same people who plague their co-workers' lives with frivilous noise that steadily becomes antagonizing. For example: I once worked in a payables department of a 350+ retail chain, on a floor with 125 other people. And every time someone on the floor had a birthday, a birthday party was organized. With this many people, it means (with some double and even a triple-birthday) that you're being asked to leave your desk for twenty minutes in order to a) sing and b) cheerfully participate. The sort of people who love to organize birthday parties are work love seminars. Let's call these people "boosters."
Yes, it is just like Office Space.
As a seminar-selling company representative, it is your job to sell the boss on the whole "this would be great for the company" spin, so your boss knows what to say when it gets sold to YOU. And then, it is your job to pretend to like it, while being around a small percentage of boosters who actually like it. Boosters are nobodies; they never get promoted past a minimal management position, but they are always the first to report any lack of enthusiasm. Guess how much fun this is? Yes, that's right. It is like laying in a cage full of someone else's shit.
On every level, reading most online content related to D&D is chock full of boosterism. The pattern is somewhat predictable. Begin with a good hard sale of the game preferably by connecting it with some very recent cultural phenomenon, like Stranger Things or Game of Thrones. Nevermind that D&D dwarfs these things in staying power, we must first prove the game has legitimacy by attaching it to something hugely popular with scads of people who will never play an RPG.
Next, talk about how hugely popular D&D is. Yes, okay, we just had to put a crutch under it's arm to give you a reason to care, but that just proves how HUGELY popular this roleplaying game is. While pitching the game on its merits, be sure to talk about the vast number of genres and mythologies it embraces, and how wonderful it is because of all the complexity and imagination of structure in includes. Don't worry about saying this, because in the very next paragraph we're going to talk about YOU won't have any problem at all stepping into the game and becoming instantly popular with your friends. After all, it uses just pencils and paper! It's not like it's so complicated it needs modern technology!
From here, it's all over the map. The dice are fun, there are all these great books, the new character sheets get rid of any need for you to do math, and hey! You don't need rules. Rules are for suckers. And so, just like that, you're ready to play! Yay you!
I know a lot of these web pages pitch so hard because they're selling something on the side: dice or sheets or whatever. Most of the comments are obviously sock-puppets because there's a scam being sold here. But I also know that a fair number of the commenters ARE actual players, because we see these same people on every post in the game's blogosphere. Someone writes a fairly humdrum, middle-of-the-road post on running an elf in a campaign, with no new ideas, pretty much the same stuff we can find in Dragon Magazines forty years ago ... and someone comments, "Great article! Best ever! I can't wait to run my next elf!"
I find myself raising an eyebrow at that recently appeared rat turd and thinking, "There's no way that's mine."
Now, I will measure my commitment to this game, its concept, its value and its brilliance against anyone's. I don't just talk, I do. And if you, dear reader, were to sit across from me at a table and ask me to talk about D&D all night, I will talk your ear right off your head. But this boosterism is crap. The game's genius is not based on how cool the elf character is. It outclasses garbage television sputum on levels I can't begin to describe ~ as evidenced by the graveyard of ex-fantasy television shows and films that a very few still remember (all once used to boost D&D). I don't think it is particularly relevant to sell dice and character sheets to would-be players ~ that's like being concerned with what the boss gets out of the seminar we're being forced to attend.
What I do think is there is a small number of people who simply like to boost stuff. Who also, unfortunately, know how to find a keyboard with their fingers. They don't really care what they're boosting ~ in a year or two it will be whatever the new show is on Netflix or Disney+ ... and five years after that it will be whatever pyramid scheme they've got themselves into. But this is what's come across their plate right now so damn it, they're going to boost this to the moon. It's a damn pity they never seem to have any real, useful advice to give ~ that is, that hasn't already been written down or vlogged by a hundred other people already.
I'm sorry to say this; it sounds like an excuse or some Aesop's Fable, but the boosterism is certain to break hearts. Thinking about those seminars, that small, sarcastic crew I inevitably found myself standing with did hate those long afternoons, but hell ~ we were being paid and we weren't dumb enough to fall for that crap. The boosters were just riding the wave. The really sad group, however, were those young enough or desperate enough to try to buy into the bullshit. They didn't know what the kool-aid was, they didn't know why they were drinking it, all they knew ~ or thought ~ was that if they wanted to get ahead in the business world, they had to really buy in and believe. And I don't doubt that there are hundreds of thousands of tombstones in the hearts of little children who built up their hopes, bought the books, paid the emotional cost for admission and ended up feeling stupid ... and ashamed to admit they ever tried to play. I don't doubt there have been millions of pristine copies of D&D books and modules, at $60 a copy, that were pulped or found their way into landfills, because the spines were never cracked often enough to get beat up with playing. I'm sure those would-be DMs, who were told, "It's surprisingly easy to get into the game," learned instead that it is surprising how little real information or help they were given, once they had the books in their hands.
I'm sure, because I've met these people far, far more often than I've randomly met real players.
Of the five people at work (besides myself) who have an interest in D&D, one DMs. One used to play but hasn't played in two years. And three have never played. They'd like to. And they've asked me to run them. But I can't do it because I simply cannot take on another campaign; and I can't fold these people into the campaigns that are already stuffed. There's no point in giving them one game, because what would that accomplish? Should I invite you over to my huge, palace-like house to swim in my pool and hang in my jacuzzi, only to tell you it will never happen again? I'm not that kind of asshole.
Ten thousand boostering webpages and all the flippery they sell will not fill the hole inside people who always wanted to play but could not learn how. It's just making kool-aid and pushing it for these people to drink, "for their own good." I know now that what's needed will never come to pass: D&D has become one of the worst scams on the internet ... and I often feel ashamed to have ever been any part of it.
I've tried to change that. I've tried to build an island of sanity. But it is a very, very tiny island; and not at all on the radar. It cannot compare with the cacophony of voices screaming how wonderful it is that the game is complex, and how wonderful it is that the game is so easy to play.
Maybe writing a blog is my form of anti-depressant.
Friday, January 24, 2020
The Problem
Occasionally I read StackExchange to see what questions D&D players are asking ... and commonly I find queries like this:
I don't answer these questions on the site, any more than I normally answer questions on Reddit or any bulletin board ~ because these discussions invariably devolve into baiting questions or whataboutisms. There is an answer to the above question; and it begins with first understanding what's being described.
The "problem" is that the DM, the game as it is played, the usual expectations created by company modules and contest events, perceive that a character with very high ability stats is a "superior" character, as compared to those with average stats ~ and that one with very low stats is, predictably, "inferior." And this is true, (A) if the DM runs a game that includes a high number of success/fail rolls based on the character's ability stats; (B) if the game itself focuses excessively (more than ordinary) upon bonus/penalty modifiers to those stats to determine success; (C) if the modules being played prepare the DM to focus exclusively on both (a) and (b); and (D) if the mass event includes a feature that rewards "play" based upon the party's success in completing the official module being presented.
If you build the game specifically that way, where every decision being made by the player is followed by the DM saying, "roll to see if you succeed," then obviously we should expect that players able to consistently roll against 17s and 18s will perform fantastically better than those who must consistently roll against 12s and 13s. If I ask you to play craps, where the rules at the table apply to everyone the same except you ~ because, for you, a 3, 6 and 9 are automatic losers ~ then, yeah, you're going to resent how the game is tipped in favour of those who can roll a 6 without losing all their chips.
I should think most of my readers already know that 5th Edition has been nerfed so hard that this problem was managed by getting rid of players rolling for their character stats. Essentially, the game writers found the imbalance so insurmountable ~ as told by the game's general audience, who were asked for their input ~ that their only "for sure" correction had to be that every character's stats had to be perfectly balanced with every other player. After all, equality is the highest virtue. We need equality to settle, once and for all, the right of every player to feel effective and useful when the game is played.
Those of you playing 5th Edition: experiencing a lot of equality at the game table?
All that's happened, of course, is that ability stats have become less of a go-to excuse to complain about the lack of fairness that persons feel when something (like the die) goes against them. But as humans, we don't need ability stats. We can always find something.
That is because, as humans, we are not equals. Most of us expect this, accept it and, by the time we cease to be children, move past it. I'll prove it. I think it's safe to say that if Ken Griffey Jr. showed up at our company softball game, we'd be glad to meet him, to shake his hand and to let him play. Obviously, we'd want him on our team ... but we'd also realize that if he were playing, the score on either side wouldn't mean much, as it would depend mostly on how seriously Griffey played. But here's the thing: in D&D, there is no other team. There is ONLY our team. The DM isn't a "team." If we sat down to play with the "Ken Griffey of D&D," it ought to be pretty obvious from the start that it wouldn't matter what character class he played or what his stats were ... and it wouldn't matter if our stats were higher than his. He's going to out-think us, out-innovate us, be six jumps ahead of the DM ~ and he'll be funny, clever, charismatic, encouraging, supportive and an all-around helluva guy; because he'll get, like the best players in the game, that while there might be some rivalry between party members, we're not competing against each other to see who "wins." No one wins. We all win. Winning is not what the game is about. And those who carp and moan about, or lord their lucky rolls over the ability stats of their fellow party members are having bigger problems with their personality than that they need to win at a game without a winning line.
I want to emphasize that many DMs and the public social culture behind D&D push this winning narrative ~ by pressuring us to laugh at players who experience bad luck, or to stand up and scream at the DM upon rolling a 20, "In your FACE!" And like behaviour that suggests that other players are a personal threat to our comfort and that the DM is the embodiment of the game's persecution of players. The player who feels they've "got it made" because they've rolled high ability stats demonstrates that we're emphasizing the wrong things in game play. D&D isn't craps. It isn't strictly about rolling dice. It is about setting oneself and one's party up so that when the dice are rolled, we've prepared for bad luck. We've thought this through and made contingency plans ... and none of us need high stats to make those plans. None of us should think that high stats will guarantee that a plan works. And all of us should know that, inevitably, with experience and more levels, those stats are going to mean less and less compared to the battle ready creativity we can bring to any situation. We're all going to gather more power as we go, according to our real life efforts, smarts, bravery, good sense and willingness to take bad luck into account.
And yet despite that, despite the personal experience hundreds of thousands of players have had trying to solve puzzles or survive against enemies without the wisdom to run when a TPK threatened ... we still think that ability stats are a "problem" because some people will get more and others will get less. These same people who should have realized that Karen with all her 18s can't be everywhere, and that obviously she is not a one-person army, and that she is bound to draw the greatest amount of direct attacks once she begins to kick ass in a general melee, so that the rest of us are plainly not "useless." Not everyone on Ken Griffey's team is Ken Griffey ... he's going to need someone at 1st base to throw to. Granted, at 50 years of age it's possible he can pitch well enough to stop us from ever getting a hit (he's an outfielder), and we'd probably never get him out, but that's beside the point. If I do catch hold of a pitch, that ball is going way over his head. My point is that he can't be everywhere; no one can. Karen isn't going to solve every puzzle, she needs to be healed occasionally (speaking of editions where healing isn't a stupidly easy nerfed thing), she can't fly, she can't breathe under water, she's only one person. The rest of us are only "useless" if we choose to view the game as a competitive pissing contest ... which it isn't, because if Karen kills half the enemy, we all move ahead. Not just Karen. If Ken Griffey Jr. hits a home run and wins the game, the whole team wins. Not just him.
If Joe throws all 7s ...
[never seen that, but yeah, could happen; never seen all 18s, either, but using 4d6 to roll stats makes rolling an 18 almost as easy as rolling a 7 ... but I digress]
If Joe throws all 7s, then suicides by monster over and over, the "frustration" should absolutely be addressed. That is, Joe's frustration, not that of the DM and the other players. Clearly, if Joe is suiciding by monster, Joe has reason to think that if he doesn't have a character with higher stats, he isn't going to be useful, it is because the game is making Joe with his all 7s feel useless. I am more apt to believe that this opinion of Joe's is not coming from Joe ~ and I am just as inclined to believe that everyone else INSISTS that it comes from Joe. In other words, that Joe's dissatisfaction is more likely to be ignored and belittled, and that he is bound to be further humiliated for having the poor taste to roll poor numbers, than that Joe is spoilsport. Given the emphasis that DMs and players DO put on high numbers, and the game balance described above that forces every player decision to become a success/fail roll, Joe has every right to protest and throw the game in the face of his peers.
Either Joe should have the right to re-roll his character, to obtain an accepted minimum (which I do, partly because I have had Joes in my campaign who have been hurt and cannot reconcile themselves with poor rolls, no matter what my campaign awards), or else Joe needs to feel that his numbers aren't really that important. This requires that everyone at the table feel the same way. Including the DM. But it is ridiculous to create a game where Karen's high stats are viewed as making everyone else feel useless, only to then turn around and disparage Joe for not sucking it up and playing his crappy, extra-useless character. There is something broken here, and it isn't just the game.
Beyond the structure of roll-heavy game designs (and fracturingly competitive game designs), and beyond the win/mock sentiment of game pissing contests, I put the third blame on game campaigns that demand the one player/one character model in game play. Why shouldn't Karen also have a second character who does not have all 18s? And why shouldn't Joe also have a second character who does not have all 7s? Why can't players manage multiple players all living at the same time, allowing parties the freedom to exchange, mix and match different character combinations to different adventures ... so that in this adventure, Karen's second is standing side-by-side with Joe's prime, and in the next adventure Karen is taking on the roll of protecting Joe, giving Joe a chance to prepare, harass the enemy verbally and most of all survive until those ability stats matter less and less in the face of Joe's other gained abilities? Must we forever look at this game like children in a bus with square wheels? Can we never look at what's really going on, and reconcile predictable human behaviour with the way we deliberately design games to be confrontational and abusive?
It is really not that hard to change our positions on these things.
"How can I avoid problems that arise from rolling ability scores?"Rolling ability scores is a time-honored tradition across many editions of D&D. However, it can sometimes cause problems for players and/or the DM. For example, one player character may end up much weaker or much stronger than the rest of the party, which can result in a poor experience for some of the players. In other cases, a player may have their characters repeatedly commit suicide-by-monster so they can try to reroll for higher stats, which can be quite frustrating for the GM and other players."What approaches are available to mitigate these problems?"Note: Answers should ideally be able to prevent both the "Joe rolled all 7s, and his character is useless" problem and the "Karen rolled all 18s and her character makes everyone else's character useless" problem. That is, an answer that only avoids very low average/total scores is not as good as one that avoids both very low and very high average/total scores."
I don't answer these questions on the site, any more than I normally answer questions on Reddit or any bulletin board ~ because these discussions invariably devolve into baiting questions or whataboutisms. There is an answer to the above question; and it begins with first understanding what's being described.
The "problem" is that the DM, the game as it is played, the usual expectations created by company modules and contest events, perceive that a character with very high ability stats is a "superior" character, as compared to those with average stats ~ and that one with very low stats is, predictably, "inferior." And this is true, (A) if the DM runs a game that includes a high number of success/fail rolls based on the character's ability stats; (B) if the game itself focuses excessively (more than ordinary) upon bonus/penalty modifiers to those stats to determine success; (C) if the modules being played prepare the DM to focus exclusively on both (a) and (b); and (D) if the mass event includes a feature that rewards "play" based upon the party's success in completing the official module being presented.
If you build the game specifically that way, where every decision being made by the player is followed by the DM saying, "roll to see if you succeed," then obviously we should expect that players able to consistently roll against 17s and 18s will perform fantastically better than those who must consistently roll against 12s and 13s. If I ask you to play craps, where the rules at the table apply to everyone the same except you ~ because, for you, a 3, 6 and 9 are automatic losers ~ then, yeah, you're going to resent how the game is tipped in favour of those who can roll a 6 without losing all their chips.
I should think most of my readers already know that 5th Edition has been nerfed so hard that this problem was managed by getting rid of players rolling for their character stats. Essentially, the game writers found the imbalance so insurmountable ~ as told by the game's general audience, who were asked for their input ~ that their only "for sure" correction had to be that every character's stats had to be perfectly balanced with every other player. After all, equality is the highest virtue. We need equality to settle, once and for all, the right of every player to feel effective and useful when the game is played.
Those of you playing 5th Edition: experiencing a lot of equality at the game table?
All that's happened, of course, is that ability stats have become less of a go-to excuse to complain about the lack of fairness that persons feel when something (like the die) goes against them. But as humans, we don't need ability stats. We can always find something.
That is because, as humans, we are not equals. Most of us expect this, accept it and, by the time we cease to be children, move past it. I'll prove it. I think it's safe to say that if Ken Griffey Jr. showed up at our company softball game, we'd be glad to meet him, to shake his hand and to let him play. Obviously, we'd want him on our team ... but we'd also realize that if he were playing, the score on either side wouldn't mean much, as it would depend mostly on how seriously Griffey played. But here's the thing: in D&D, there is no other team. There is ONLY our team. The DM isn't a "team." If we sat down to play with the "Ken Griffey of D&D," it ought to be pretty obvious from the start that it wouldn't matter what character class he played or what his stats were ... and it wouldn't matter if our stats were higher than his. He's going to out-think us, out-innovate us, be six jumps ahead of the DM ~ and he'll be funny, clever, charismatic, encouraging, supportive and an all-around helluva guy; because he'll get, like the best players in the game, that while there might be some rivalry between party members, we're not competing against each other to see who "wins." No one wins. We all win. Winning is not what the game is about. And those who carp and moan about, or lord their lucky rolls over the ability stats of their fellow party members are having bigger problems with their personality than that they need to win at a game without a winning line.
I want to emphasize that many DMs and the public social culture behind D&D push this winning narrative ~ by pressuring us to laugh at players who experience bad luck, or to stand up and scream at the DM upon rolling a 20, "In your FACE!" And like behaviour that suggests that other players are a personal threat to our comfort and that the DM is the embodiment of the game's persecution of players. The player who feels they've "got it made" because they've rolled high ability stats demonstrates that we're emphasizing the wrong things in game play. D&D isn't craps. It isn't strictly about rolling dice. It is about setting oneself and one's party up so that when the dice are rolled, we've prepared for bad luck. We've thought this through and made contingency plans ... and none of us need high stats to make those plans. None of us should think that high stats will guarantee that a plan works. And all of us should know that, inevitably, with experience and more levels, those stats are going to mean less and less compared to the battle ready creativity we can bring to any situation. We're all going to gather more power as we go, according to our real life efforts, smarts, bravery, good sense and willingness to take bad luck into account.
And yet despite that, despite the personal experience hundreds of thousands of players have had trying to solve puzzles or survive against enemies without the wisdom to run when a TPK threatened ... we still think that ability stats are a "problem" because some people will get more and others will get less. These same people who should have realized that Karen with all her 18s can't be everywhere, and that obviously she is not a one-person army, and that she is bound to draw the greatest amount of direct attacks once she begins to kick ass in a general melee, so that the rest of us are plainly not "useless." Not everyone on Ken Griffey's team is Ken Griffey ... he's going to need someone at 1st base to throw to. Granted, at 50 years of age it's possible he can pitch well enough to stop us from ever getting a hit (he's an outfielder), and we'd probably never get him out, but that's beside the point. If I do catch hold of a pitch, that ball is going way over his head. My point is that he can't be everywhere; no one can. Karen isn't going to solve every puzzle, she needs to be healed occasionally (speaking of editions where healing isn't a stupidly easy nerfed thing), she can't fly, she can't breathe under water, she's only one person. The rest of us are only "useless" if we choose to view the game as a competitive pissing contest ... which it isn't, because if Karen kills half the enemy, we all move ahead. Not just Karen. If Ken Griffey Jr. hits a home run and wins the game, the whole team wins. Not just him.
If Joe throws all 7s ...
[never seen that, but yeah, could happen; never seen all 18s, either, but using 4d6 to roll stats makes rolling an 18 almost as easy as rolling a 7 ... but I digress]
If Joe throws all 7s, then suicides by monster over and over, the "frustration" should absolutely be addressed. That is, Joe's frustration, not that of the DM and the other players. Clearly, if Joe is suiciding by monster, Joe has reason to think that if he doesn't have a character with higher stats, he isn't going to be useful, it is because the game is making Joe with his all 7s feel useless. I am more apt to believe that this opinion of Joe's is not coming from Joe ~ and I am just as inclined to believe that everyone else INSISTS that it comes from Joe. In other words, that Joe's dissatisfaction is more likely to be ignored and belittled, and that he is bound to be further humiliated for having the poor taste to roll poor numbers, than that Joe is spoilsport. Given the emphasis that DMs and players DO put on high numbers, and the game balance described above that forces every player decision to become a success/fail roll, Joe has every right to protest and throw the game in the face of his peers.
Either Joe should have the right to re-roll his character, to obtain an accepted minimum (which I do, partly because I have had Joes in my campaign who have been hurt and cannot reconcile themselves with poor rolls, no matter what my campaign awards), or else Joe needs to feel that his numbers aren't really that important. This requires that everyone at the table feel the same way. Including the DM. But it is ridiculous to create a game where Karen's high stats are viewed as making everyone else feel useless, only to then turn around and disparage Joe for not sucking it up and playing his crappy, extra-useless character. There is something broken here, and it isn't just the game.
Beyond the structure of roll-heavy game designs (and fracturingly competitive game designs), and beyond the win/mock sentiment of game pissing contests, I put the third blame on game campaigns that demand the one player/one character model in game play. Why shouldn't Karen also have a second character who does not have all 18s? And why shouldn't Joe also have a second character who does not have all 7s? Why can't players manage multiple players all living at the same time, allowing parties the freedom to exchange, mix and match different character combinations to different adventures ... so that in this adventure, Karen's second is standing side-by-side with Joe's prime, and in the next adventure Karen is taking on the roll of protecting Joe, giving Joe a chance to prepare, harass the enemy verbally and most of all survive until those ability stats matter less and less in the face of Joe's other gained abilities? Must we forever look at this game like children in a bus with square wheels? Can we never look at what's really going on, and reconcile predictable human behaviour with the way we deliberately design games to be confrontational and abusive?
It is really not that hard to change our positions on these things.
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Artistry
 |
| Being here is half the game. |
I don't want to disparage the age we're living in. I rather like it myself, being one who considers the "good old days" to be a time of creaky, backwards technology and social standards. Often, I think back on memories of the world when I was pre-teen and such, and wonder how we managed with the terrible content on a black-and-white television, the lack of computers and the painstaking agony of having to record everything using pencil and paper. I guess we had the 1950s to compare it to. Admittedly, it did seem very modern at the time.
Still, while there's nothing wrong with today's culture, it nevertheless breeds habits that I find myself evaluating. Right now, as I drag myself away from Oxygen Not Included and my latest downloads, I must confess I'm often a slave to the immediacy of convenient gratification. Whereas once upon a time, I had to wait a week to see the next episode of something, or make a visit to a store to buy the complete set of, say, Band of Brothers, at any time today I simply have to conceive of the show, remember I haven't seen it in a decade and, there you are, all in my possession and ready to watch. I call a company like Skip the Dishes to bring me food, I pause my game on Steam, I check my email to see if anyone loves me, then settle in to watch. It is a nice world.
But while day after day passes with such marvelous comforts, intellectually and otherwise, I am reminded by the end of each day that hedonism such as this has its limitations. When I will think back upon this year, five or ten years from now, I won't remember the steaming breaded chicken or the time I last watched Nix and Dick undermine David Schwimmer ... I will think about the posts I wrote on blogger or the other work I put together on my world. I'll remember what I wrote, because this writing can't be served a la carte. There's no one who can do it for me; which is why it is this particular comfort, this power to reach out and have others read me, that is truly the best part of living in 2020. It is the things we do ourselves that is most gratifying.
Following yesterday's post, I felt I owed an explanation to you, my Gentle Readers. Between episodes, and game play, while making dinner, taking a shower, enjoying a walk outside in the -37 C weather we're having today, I've been thinking about why I didn't quit D&D. It is easy enough to say, "because I loved it," but that's only an evasion. It doesn't say anything. It doesn't explain why. Or why I've given nearly 41 years to this game, instead of to something else. Why, when I was done with school, and married, and had a daughter, didn't I think that my free time was gone? Why didn't I put aside childish things?
To see D&D as a childish thing, I would have had to see writing as a childish thing. Or acting. Or that the musicians I knew were wasting their time, along with the poets, the artists, the dancers and the other performers I knew in the 80s and 90s. I saw no difference between capturing a moment in fictional time through the medium of preparing and presenting a gaming session, and doing it in the shape of a novel, or rehearsing to present fiction on the stage. And since I did those things in the company of people who were unrestrained about giving their lives to those arts, and prepared to die rather than give it up, it didn't seem strange that I had simply chosen another mode of expression. True, drama offers the possibility of fame and wealth; and so does writing novels ... though not for most. And those I knew who thought they were doing it to get rich were almost always the first to quit. The rest of us kept at because, well, because.
That's still an evasion. It's easier to give one, however, because sometimes with true love, it's difficult to dissect what's there without making an ugly mess of it. But I'll try.
Of all the things I loved doing most as a kid ~ and here I mean, going back to when I first became conscious of being a person, when I was five or six ~ I would have to say that expressing myself was highest on the list. I loved to be heard. I read voraciously, both fiction and non-fiction; I soaked up films from the television whenever possible; and I asked questions of anyone who would give me an answer that wasn't "because." [see? I know an evasion when I hear one] In turn, this gathering of information piled up in my head and ached to flow out on my tongue ... which it was not permitted to do nearly as often as would have pleased me, because I was kid and growing up in the early 70s when adults still said with a straight, un-ironic face that "children were meant to be seen and not heard." Talk about why the good old days sucked.
By the time I was twelve, the log jam of having things to say broke and I began to write things down, effusively and all the time. I didn't fall in love with writing because I loved words or because sentences are beautiful, descriptive images, but because I had a ton of shit to communicate and hey, that's why we invented words. I'm still communicating, constantly, because I still have a great deal to say. That is why this blog, and the other one, and the wiki, combine together to make such a prodigious pile [sometimes, some would say, a pile that steams ...]. Because I like to express my thoughts; I like to have my thoughts heard and read. I like others to know what I'm thinking. And so that I deserve to be heard, I like my thoughts to be things worth hearing.
D&D was a remarkable, unexpected medium that simply materialized one day, like a bomb dropping out of the sky and destroying my cathedral of thoughts. The manner in which the game was realized, through talk, and bound by fixed limits, which were fuzzy because of the dice, took hold of a particular set of skills that had already infected my consciousness. I had always been in love with maps and geography, and here was a game that applied that specific knowledge to worldbuilding. I was quick-witted and creative, able to speak and think fast on my feet, and here was a game that rewarded those skills with role-play. I was exhaustively and obsessively well-read in literature, science and history, and here was a game that drew on those subjects like a pump drawing water. It was like I had been training for a decade so that at 15, I'd be ready to play. I don't need one hand to count the number of times something similar to that has happened.
Once I got myself sorted, and began to understand the deeper aspects of the game, I flourished as a DM. I loved the expressive power and complexity of imagination the game enabled. And once I hit that time in my mid to late 20s that I described in the last post, when people began to fade away, there was no way I was giving that up. No way. Even then I was surrounded by people who said it was just a game and that it was childish, but I knew they were wrong. A children's book can be childish, but that doesn't make every book so. The way that most people played D&D then, and the way that most play it now, the game IS childish. But not my game. Not my world. I don't believe that my D&D design is any more childish than George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire, and frankly I think it is far less so ... and no one out there is saying that Martin should have put childish things aside and quit writing. Entertainment is one of the most important things that humans do for one another; it is a gift. Just as Band of Brothers was a gift, from those ready to take the time to write it, adapt it, perform it and make it ready for me to see it.
I don't understand those who cannot understand how essential art is to the health and wellbeing of others ... and how that effort can never be "just" anything. Through D&D, I can express myself, and illicit emotional response from my players on levels that I can hardly dream of doing through direct writing. Granted, I try the latter constantly; but with D&D, the shaping of thoughts, tension, elucidation and epiphany are far more profound and esoteric than what I've been able to do with words. People remember moments in a game for years and years; they remember what they did, they remember what they felt. They remember the experience as though it happened in their "real" lives ... which, of course, it did. The monster and the treasure may have been fictional, but the breathless anticipation, the pain of dying or the shouts of joy, those were authentically real.
I will not give up an art form because others are too busy to appreciate art.
Monday, January 13, 2020
Cold Water
With this post, I want to speak only with those people who were born after 1990. If you were born any time before that, you don't matter.
5th Edition D&D was introduced in late 2014 ... and so those people who began playing the game at the age of 16, are just now coming to the end of their university degree and beginning to wonder whether or not they'll have any time ~ or inclination ~ to play D&D any more. A great many of those who began playing the "new game" at 16, quit years ago ... but of course, none of them are reading this post.
If you're just inside the boundary I named at the start, you were 24 when the new game was presented ... and since you are still playing D&D and reading about it, I'm willing to make a bet. Most of the people you personally played with, whether at a game store, or a semi-university club, or just around your dinner table, have quit now. And among those who haven't quit, almost half are talking about it. They're telling you, they don't have the time to play, or it doesn't seem important any more ... or the game seems, well, repetitive.
Of those remaining, there's another little bugbear in the room. They talk about starting campaigns, or picking up their campaign again, or changing genres ... and yet, it never seems to happen. Or it happens, but after one night of play, nothing.
And then, there's you. You, reading this blog, and others; you that is still running your campaign; you that remembers the introduction of 5e, and today you still feel about the game exactly the way you did five years and a bit ago. But all around you, there's a building ennui. There's that friend who was always there, every Friday night, but now hardly ever shows up. And when you see the friend, and he or she asks about your game, you can talk about it ... but you always seem to do most of the talking. Or you have friends that show up for the game sporadically, but when they do, they always want to talk about other things. They can't seem to focus on the game. They're not being impolite; and it is great to see them; but still, there's that feeling that they're really there to see you, and not to play. And they're good friends. You like it when they come around. Only, well, you wish it was a bit more like it was in university or college. Or high school. Or even, depending on when you were born, like it was in grade six.
For most young people, the window of becoming interested in the game, getting good at the game, tiring of the game and quitting the game all happens in a three or four year window. This puts us firmly in the second generation of D&Ders ~ except for the reader, of course. Now, an old sod like me, we slowly gather together a group of long-timers that will die playing this game ... but I remember those early days, when it seemed like every year meant a new crop of players. And as I got into my 20s, those new players would get younger and younger. This works out, of course, as being older and older than my players offered me greater respect and attention. It is far easier to be 26 years old and running early twenty-somethings, than it is to be 16 and running friends your own age.
But there is a very good chance that some readers here, younger than 30 as they are, have lost every player they had. They watched the players drift away one by one, for numerous reasons, while new players did not materialize. Today, they love the game; they think about the game; but they don't play the game. There's no one to play with.
This is what "not quitting" looks like. And for a great many, who can't give up hope, there's a worse bugbear. They think about how they need to get out there and find players. And they think about how, before they do that, they're going to have to get their game world in order. And make up their mind about the system they're going to play. And what rules in that system they're going to keep. And so they think. And think. And think.
Only, what if they do that work, and remake their game world, and decide on a system, and build an adventure or two, and find the players to run in their game ~ and the players don't stay. Like before, they hang around for awhile, but in a year or two (or less), they all just drift away.
Is it worth it? Because, sooner or later, it won't be. Sooner or later, you're going to be 35. Or 40. And still pretending that there are players out there, even if we're talking two or three weekends a year, when you can find the time to attend the nearest game cons. Or those you can take time off for. Sooner or later, maybe, you'll have to quit yourself. Sooner. Or later. Because that's what adults do. They put childish things aside, and admit, yeah, that was fun, but it's time to be an adult now. It's time to get on with more important things. Like my marriage. And my kids. And my career. Along with my house payments. And whatever else I have to do to make sure I don't mess up my retirement.
Maybe you're like me. Maybe you've got a gang of fanatics. Or maybe you're like one of these parents who hooks their kids on the game. I sort of did (and I'll tell that story again, if I'm asked, but it's already somewhere on the blog). But kids grow up. They become adults, too. And awfully fast. You might get five or ten years with them; but you know, it will never be like when you were kid, and playing with your friends.
I just thought, a dunk in cold water might ... wake you up. I don't want you to quit. I want you to play D&D all your life. But I do want you awake. Awake, and active. Because the nice thing about looking straight at something that scares the shit out of you, it reminds you that you're alive. And that gaming isn't about thinking, and reading, and clumsily deciding what you're "going" to do.
Gaming is about doing.
5th Edition D&D was introduced in late 2014 ... and so those people who began playing the game at the age of 16, are just now coming to the end of their university degree and beginning to wonder whether or not they'll have any time ~ or inclination ~ to play D&D any more. A great many of those who began playing the "new game" at 16, quit years ago ... but of course, none of them are reading this post.
If you're just inside the boundary I named at the start, you were 24 when the new game was presented ... and since you are still playing D&D and reading about it, I'm willing to make a bet. Most of the people you personally played with, whether at a game store, or a semi-university club, or just around your dinner table, have quit now. And among those who haven't quit, almost half are talking about it. They're telling you, they don't have the time to play, or it doesn't seem important any more ... or the game seems, well, repetitive.
Of those remaining, there's another little bugbear in the room. They talk about starting campaigns, or picking up their campaign again, or changing genres ... and yet, it never seems to happen. Or it happens, but after one night of play, nothing.
And then, there's you. You, reading this blog, and others; you that is still running your campaign; you that remembers the introduction of 5e, and today you still feel about the game exactly the way you did five years and a bit ago. But all around you, there's a building ennui. There's that friend who was always there, every Friday night, but now hardly ever shows up. And when you see the friend, and he or she asks about your game, you can talk about it ... but you always seem to do most of the talking. Or you have friends that show up for the game sporadically, but when they do, they always want to talk about other things. They can't seem to focus on the game. They're not being impolite; and it is great to see them; but still, there's that feeling that they're really there to see you, and not to play. And they're good friends. You like it when they come around. Only, well, you wish it was a bit more like it was in university or college. Or high school. Or even, depending on when you were born, like it was in grade six.
For most young people, the window of becoming interested in the game, getting good at the game, tiring of the game and quitting the game all happens in a three or four year window. This puts us firmly in the second generation of D&Ders ~ except for the reader, of course. Now, an old sod like me, we slowly gather together a group of long-timers that will die playing this game ... but I remember those early days, when it seemed like every year meant a new crop of players. And as I got into my 20s, those new players would get younger and younger. This works out, of course, as being older and older than my players offered me greater respect and attention. It is far easier to be 26 years old and running early twenty-somethings, than it is to be 16 and running friends your own age.
But there is a very good chance that some readers here, younger than 30 as they are, have lost every player they had. They watched the players drift away one by one, for numerous reasons, while new players did not materialize. Today, they love the game; they think about the game; but they don't play the game. There's no one to play with.
This is what "not quitting" looks like. And for a great many, who can't give up hope, there's a worse bugbear. They think about how they need to get out there and find players. And they think about how, before they do that, they're going to have to get their game world in order. And make up their mind about the system they're going to play. And what rules in that system they're going to keep. And so they think. And think. And think.
Only, what if they do that work, and remake their game world, and decide on a system, and build an adventure or two, and find the players to run in their game ~ and the players don't stay. Like before, they hang around for awhile, but in a year or two (or less), they all just drift away.
Is it worth it? Because, sooner or later, it won't be. Sooner or later, you're going to be 35. Or 40. And still pretending that there are players out there, even if we're talking two or three weekends a year, when you can find the time to attend the nearest game cons. Or those you can take time off for. Sooner or later, maybe, you'll have to quit yourself. Sooner. Or later. Because that's what adults do. They put childish things aside, and admit, yeah, that was fun, but it's time to be an adult now. It's time to get on with more important things. Like my marriage. And my kids. And my career. Along with my house payments. And whatever else I have to do to make sure I don't mess up my retirement.
Maybe you're like me. Maybe you've got a gang of fanatics. Or maybe you're like one of these parents who hooks their kids on the game. I sort of did (and I'll tell that story again, if I'm asked, but it's already somewhere on the blog). But kids grow up. They become adults, too. And awfully fast. You might get five or ten years with them; but you know, it will never be like when you were kid, and playing with your friends.
I just thought, a dunk in cold water might ... wake you up. I don't want you to quit. I want you to play D&D all your life. But I do want you awake. Awake, and active. Because the nice thing about looking straight at something that scares the shit out of you, it reminds you that you're alive. And that gaming isn't about thinking, and reading, and clumsily deciding what you're "going" to do.
Gaming is about doing.
Sunday, January 5, 2020
Eerie Silences
The quote describes Rylatt's initial impression of the land, from Berton's paraphrase of Rylatt's diary:
"On his first Sunday in the mountains, he found himself alone ~ the others were working five miles farther up the pass. It was his first such experience in the wilderness and he made the most of it. He watched the sun dropping down behind the glaciers on the mountain tops, tipping the snows with a gold that turned to red while, in the shadowed gorges, the ice could be seen in long streaks of transparent blue. He watched the glow leave the peaks and the gloom fill up the valleys. he watched velvet night follow ghostly twilight and saw the pale rays of the aurora compete with the stars to cast [Rylatt's words] 'softening hallows of light around these everlasting snows.' Suddenly, he began to shiver and a sense of irreconcialable loneliness overcame him. It was silence ~ the uncanny and overpowering silence of the Canadian wilderness: 'Not a leaf stirred; not the hum of an insect; not even the noise of the water in the creek ~ this being too distant. I listened for a sound but did not hear even the rustle of a falling leaf ..."He made a fire, as much to hear the crackling of the wood as for the warmth. It came to him that no one who had not experienced what he was going through could ever really understand what it was like to be truly alone:" 'Your sense of being alone in the heart of a city, or even in a village, or within easy distance of fellow beings ... gives you no claim to use the term alone. You may have the feeline peculiar to being alone ~ that is all. Listen sometime when you think you are alone. Can you hear a footfall; a door slam in the distance; a carriage go by? Or the rumble of one ...? Can you hear a dog bark? Have you a cricket on the hearth or even the ticking of a clock ...?"Rylatt realized that the tiniest of sounds can give a feeling of relief ~ 'the sense of knowing your species are at no great distance' ~ but here, in the solitude of the Rockies, there was only silence."
I've experience that, in those same mountains. For those who might know, Howse Pass is bounded on the east side by Howse Peak, 10km south of Saskatchewan River Crossing. There's a lake on the east side of Howse Peak, Chephren Lake, where I've fished and spent the night, some 44 years ago. There, and dozens of other places in the Rockies, I've heard that self-same eerie silence.
 |
| Chephren Lake, with Howse Peak in the background |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)