I thought I should just toss that out there, in case someone should wonder if their version isn't matching mine.
Slow Spell: A broad-area spell which affects up to 24 creatures in a maximum area of 6" x 12". Duration: 3 turns. Range: 24".
Hilarious, isn't it? Not one clue what the spell does. I mean, at all. Sure, of course, we know what it means, because someone in another publication told us. But seriously... how is this "run as written"? And if other writings can be invoked, then what's the rule on what other writings are allowed to support this writing according to RAW philosophy? And no, by this link, the spell isn't listed in Chainmail (I refuse to use all caps, there being no precedent other than Disney for writing a title that way).
Haste: This is exactly the opposite of a Slow Spell in effect, but otherwise like it. Note that it will counter its opposite and vice-versa.
And this, in these rules, is a remarkable example of a rare consistency occurring. Slow applause, please.
Protection from Normal Missiles: The recipient of this charm becomes impervious to normal missiles. This implies only those missiles projected by normal (not above normal) men and/or weapons. Duration: 12 turns. Range: 3".
It's kind of awe inspiring, really. No definition of "normal." No definition of "above normal." Exactly how is a missile projected by a weapon by not by a man? Also, does the spell protect against missiles fired by elves, orcs, ogres, whatnot? None of which are "normal (not above normal) men", even if they're non-magical. Though, to be sure, we have no reason from the description to believe that "magical" is in any way less "normal" than, I don't know, a camel that spits... which it doesn't do like a normal man, trust me. Range 3" from what, exactly? The missile? The man projecting? Etymologically, to "project," as in "to throw out or forward," is from the 1590s... but I still had to look it up because, well, what a weird word choice.
If "protection from" mean "impervious to," why wasn't the spell called Impervious to Normal Missiles? I suppose because then it would be defined as "The recipient of this charm becomes protected from normal missiles." Duh.
Water Breathing: A spell whereby it is possible to breathe underwater without harm or difficulty. Duration: 12 turns. Range 3".
I suppose that's fair. I'm just getting a little punch drunk at this. Imagine if the definition of fly were to say, "the user is able to fly without harm or difficulty." Or maybe if read languages read, "by which directions and the like are read without getting a headache." It seems a trifle specific to this spell, like it's saying, "really, we wouldn't kid you." But at least we know what the spell does. Win! For once, we can breathe easy.
4th Level:
Polymorph Self: A spell allowing the user to take the shape of anything he desires, but he will not thereby acquire the combat abilities of the thing he has polymorphed himself to resemble. That is, while the user may turn himself into a dragon of some type, he will not gain the ability to fight and breathe, but he will be able to fly. Duration: 6 turns + the level of the Magic-User employing it.
See, this is clearly written by someone other than whomever wrote the previous four spells. The spell is directly and clearly defined without caveats, we don't get the four things we can't polymorph into, the details are dense and seem to know something about game play. Semiotically, it's not the same. It sounds like someone who actually plays the game.
But... polymorph itself, as a concept. This one has always had it's troubles. Here, compare this defintion from Chainmail:
Polymorph: This allows the user to change himself into the semblance of anything of from his own size to something as large as even a giant. It lasts until the user changes himself back or it is countered.
(again, sounds like someone else again, someone whose read Fowler's English Usage, who picks a way through Emersonian speech patterns; but skipping that).
Something has gone very wrong with the Chainmail version. The spell, as written there, is just too damn powerful. It needs a limit. You can't fire breathe just because you can shape yourself like a fire-breathing dragon. Why? Well, doesn't say. Presumably, if you polymorph into a cow, you'll have the organs that will permit the translation of grass to milk... and therefore, if you're a dragon, presumably you'll have the organs that allow you to breathe fire. But no, nix, not, absolutely, drawing a line there! We don't need a good reason, just a reason.
Look, if the spell is so powerful, why is it 4th level and not 5th? If it can't be rated at 5th, why does it exist at all? And if we have to limit it to dragons that can't fire-breathe, can't we argue that it takes a couple years of practice for actual young dragons to do it, without framing it as a failure of the spell? Because by the definition here, "he will not thereby acquire the combat abilities of the thing he has polymorphed himself to resemble," it also means I can't swing my limbs as a treant, or set things on fire as an elemental (even though I'm actually ON FIRE), or presumably gallop as a horse or kick with my hooves. Seriously? If this is taken to the obvious grammatical definition, what's the use of the spell at all?
It's not that the designers meant this, it's that they panicked, realising that their worst fears needed some kind of pullback; but the example of dragons does not cover even the minamalistic set of monster options that exist in the second volume. Do I polymorph into a medusa or don't I? Am I less ugly? If I mutate into a wight, am I undead or not? And if not, than what does this fourth level spell slot give me? The chance to be an orc? I guess so, but that's a pretty expensive spell slot so I can weave my way among the other orcs... whom I can't punch with my orc arms, by the way, because combat ability limitations.
When I had to come around to rewriting the spells for my wiki, polymorph other and polymorph self, I got a very good idea of how very, very difficult this spell is to provide as an option without seriously risking the game's logic. Let's say I turn into a basilisk. I'm not a basilisk, but I turn into one. Am I immune to the look of my own eyes? Well? Am I?
Anytime I think of polymorph in game terms, I come back to the quintessential example of it in film and literature (extra music for obvious concealment from youtube necessities). I don't condone allowing the same spell to be used multiple times per day, or ignoring of casting times, but we should at least try to produce the sort of drama displayed here.
Polymorph Others: Unlike the spell to Polymorph Self, this spell lasts until it is dispelled. The spell gives all characteristics of the form of the creature, so a creature polymorphed into a dragon acquires all of the dragon’s ability — not necessarily mentality, however. Likewise, a troll polymorphed into a snail would have innate resistance to being stepped on and crushed by a normal man. Range: 6".
Better. And because it doesn't involve strengthening the players, but rather the non-players, whom the DM runs, the gloves are allowed to come off. We have to ask if snails have an "innate resistance" of that kind... I know of no way to test it. Certainly, whatever their innate abilities are, they suck at it. However, most of the time, you have to really work to squish a snail. They're quite rubbery. Why not pick an earthworm? Way easier to crush. Don't know if they have innate abilities or not.
If, on the other hand, it's a wry joke, that "trolls turned into snails" can't be crushed because they're still actually trolls... well, that opens a WHOLE can of worms... er, snails. Can dragons turn into snails still breath fire? Can you turn a wraith into an undead snail, leave it on a pillow of an enemy and wait for it to drain an experience level? Does a basilisk-snail still turn things to stone? Maybe just little tiny things; might be hard for us to actually pick out its eyes on that scale. Perhaps we can find basilisk-snails by the ant-shaped pebbles they leave behind.
Either you keep the nature of the thing being the transformed thing, or the spell is meaningless. Which are we playing at? A game or metaphysics?
Remove Curse: A spell to remove any one curse or evil sending. Note that using this spell on a "cursed sword," for example, would make the weapon an ordinary sword, not some form of enchanted blade. Range: Adjacent to the object.
Now, look, see... this is written by someone else again. It's not the examples of polymorph above, and it's not the first four spells. This one feels that, in a spell list, it needs to mention that this is a spell... twice, in case the first sentence didn't make it clear. It actually tells you what it does, then goes out of its way to say what it doesn't do, lest you think that "remove curse" does what it does not say on the tin. There's absolutely nothing here to suggest the spell's "secret name" is "make magic swords", but it has to be said anyway. Presumably, if the curse is taken off a man, he doesn't become an "above normal" man (maybe that's what protection from normal missiles meant); and a house doesn't become a magic house, either. Why would anyone think it would? Because this specific writer apparently has had someone he plays with try this gambit. And he wants to protect you from doing it also. Too, it's a small thing, but none of the other spells have used words next to the Range.
I've read a lot of Gygax. He's a doof, but this really doesn't read like him to me. Gygax would include at least two extra lines using MATH about how a "-1" sword can't be turned into a "+1" sword, and then he'd include a formula for the DM to prove it. And he either would have listed a range of 1" or 0". The words are really not his style.
Anyway, again... we can see what the spell does. Two for seven. We're way above average!
Wall of Fire: The spell will create a wall of fire which lasts until the Magic-User no longer concentrates to maintain it. The fire wall is opaque. It prevents creatures with under four hit dice from entering/passing through. Undead will take two dice of damage (2-12) and other creatures one die (1-6) when breaking through the fire. The shape of the wall can be either a plane of up to 6" width and 2" in height, or it can be cast in a circle of 3" diameter and 2" in height. Range: 6".
There, that's Gygax. Punchy sentences, numbers numbers numbers, really detailed necessity to give the exact shape of the wall in two different ways (because you can't measure a circle as a 6" perimeter ring, that's mathematically impossible). Also, note the lack of the "length" of the thing though we know it's "width." That is so Gygax. Any human person looks at a wall that's 60' feet from one end to the other and says, "that wall is 60 feet long." Not Gygax! Oh no. The orientation to HIM is what defines how "wide" it is. Go ahead. Find me a reference to the width of a wall that isn't about its thickness.
It's a little hilarious that an ochre jelly (5 HD) can go through this thing but a grey ooze (3 HD) cannot. I don't know, I've always thought of the first as having a consistency like a raw egg, while the latter was more like liquid playdough, but who am I to argue the physics of something that everyday trainee fire fighters go ahead and walk through? I know, I know, D&D fire doesn’t burn oxygen or require combustion; it’s a solid, opaque, moral entity. It decides who is worthy to pass based on hit dice, not thermal conductivity. But since "fire" isn't defined or explained anywhere in these books, it looks like just fire on the page.
But we know what the spell does. 3 for 8. Almost 50%.
Wall of Ice: A spell to create a wall of ice six inches thick, in dimensions like that of a Wall of Fire. It negates the effects of creatures employing fire and/or fire spells. It may be broken through by creatures with four or more hit dice, with damage equal to one die (1-6) for non-fire employing creatures and double that for fire-users. Range: 12"
How much damage can the wall sustain, Mr. Gygax? Hm? Thank you for telling me how much damage to the ice wall the soft-bodied ochre jelly can do to your wall, but without something to measure the damage against, you're bleating again, aren't you? I know, I know... years and years later you'll do it again. Thank gawd I can count on you.
Seriously. An incorporeal wraith (4 HD) can bash its way through this thing (though it would just waft through, I'm sure), but a heavy war horse (3 HD) cannot. Uh huh. But pray, tell me... did it ever occur to you to define how much anything in your game system actually weighed? That seems like an important statistic to add to your monsters. Oh well, I'm sure you'll get there someday.
4 for 9. Stunning.
Confusion: This spell will immediately affect creatures with two or fewer hit-dice. For creatures above two hit dice the following formula is used to determine when the spell takes effect: score of a twelve-sided die roll less the level of the Magic-User casting the spell = delay in effect, i.e. a positive difference means a turn delay, while a zero or negative difference means immediate effect. Creatures with four or more hit dice will have saving throws against magic, and on those turns they make their saving throws they are not confused; but this check must be made each turn the spell lasts, and failure means they are confused. The spell will affect as many creatures as indicated by the score rolled on two six-sided dice with the addition of +1 for each level above the 8th that the Magic-User casting the spell has attained. Confused creatures will attack the Magic-User's party (dice score 2-5), stand around doing nothing (6-8), or attack each other (9-12). Roll each turn. Duration: 12 turns. Range: 12".
Hold on. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Could this thing be more of a nightmare for a DM to run in the middle of a mass combat involving more than 12 combatants on a side, with creatures that had 1-2 HD, 3 HD and 4 or more HD? You have three different rules for three different levels of creature, for... reasons apparently. We couldn't just have everyone roll save, no, that would limit this mass effect spell unnecessarily. I'll see if I can write this a little better.
Creatures with less than 4 HD don't get a saving throw. Creatures with 3 HD roll a 12-sided and subtract the level of the mage; the end sum describes how many turns pass before the spell takes effect (0-5, since the mage must be 7th level to possess the spell). Creatures with more than 3 HD get a saving throw — if they do not success, they're affected as any 3 HD creature, determining how many turns pass. However, every turn they still have to make saving throw again, even if they would not normally be affected that round.
Or, you know, instead of using the d12 minus the caster's level, which is always the same for any given combat, we could just start by having every character effected roll a die between 12 minus the present mages level. The mage is 7th level? Roll 1d6 ignoring sixes (because 1d5 is way too complicated for 1974), and that's how many turns.
Or, alternately, we could just tell Gygax to FUCK OFF, because this is an extremely insipid, needlessly complicated piece of crap that ought to be inscribed on his fucking tombstone.
Hm? Too soon?
Ah, I get it. The spell is supposed to cause confusion to the enemy, but in fact it recursively confuses the DM. I see the light now. I was so wrong about you Mr. Gygax. You are a genius!
Gygax, in his eldritch cunning, conjured the first meta-spell: a charm that doesn’t just bewilder orcs — it radiates outward, entangling the referee’s executive function in a shimmering haze of contradictory subclauses. The goblins stand around drooling, the DM cross-eyed over a table of hit dice and the players stare into the abyss of the 12-sided die, wondering why it hates them.
After all that, how the creatures are affected is its own headache, but at least it's clear. Still, I'm not going to give the spell half points.
Score? 40% comprehensibly written spells. Unheard of.
That's enough for today.
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