Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Parents Are Dead

Yessir.  Yes, and I do have a hunger for revenge.  No sir, I wouldn't lie about that.  I very much want to join your party.

Sorry sir?  Yes, I am a dwarf, that's obvious sir, but ... yes sir.  I do hate elves.  Oh, absolutely.  Can I work with them in the same party?  Of course sir.  I'm ready to help them, heal them, keep 'em from falling in pits and all that stuff, and at the same time repeat often and to the point of annoyance that I hate 'em.  Yes, sir, I can count dead as we both fight, if it's important sir.  Well, I admit, I'm not overly laconic ... oh yes sir, I can do the stomping and pouting part fine, but at just the point where I'm supposed to insert a bit of humor, well sir, I never seem to think of anything.  Right sir.  I am willing to work on that.

Do I love gold?  Pretty much sir.  Helps a fellow along, don't it.  I'm sorry sir?  Do I love gold just for the sake of having it?  I don't know, since you put it that way - well, most people do exchange it for things, and most of the time I like to pick up an extra thing or - no sir.  No sir, I'm not trying to be difficult.  Well how much gold would I be expected to faun over, say, in round figures sir.  That much?  I don't know about that ... I suppose ...

Yessir, I want to be part of your party.  I'll hoard whatever gold you tell me to sir.

Do I love ale?  Now, that is an issue, sir.  To be honest, I have a physician that tells me ... well he tells me that it's a lot easier to march long distances if ... pardon me sir, just prattling on.  How many a day would I have to drink?  That many.  Could I have a little time to work up to it, sir?  Maybe one a day to start and then ... okay sir, if you want me to drink ten a day, I'll drink ten a day.  Just let me write that down.

Yes sir.  Got my quill right here sir.  Why, I've always had it.  My father always says that a dwarf ought to have an education, that it's good for him to - sir?  No, I mis-spoke.  I meant to say my father always said ... yes, that's right sir.  Yes he's dead sir.  Yes they're both dead, sir.  I'm feeling an urge for revenge right now sir.  Seriously.

No, sir, I don't have a battle axe.  I've always used a bill hook, sir.  Yes sir, with a much shorter handle - kinda improvised it myself sir.  Well, if you think it isn't right ... I can learn if I have to... though sir, if it's all the same to you, it does sort of take a long time to get the hang of a battle axe.  Would it be okay if while I was learning I could go on using the hook--

No, of course not sir.  I'm really not wanting to be difficult.  Yes, I was told in advance some of the things that were expected ... no, not all the things sir.  I admit that I didn't think that a lot of this was ... yes, sir, it's important if you say it's important.  I do want to join your party, sir.

Yes, about the beard.  I'm sorry sir ... what are you trying to say sir?  If you could just come right out and say - oh, no sir.  No, cut it off years ago.  Well, it gets in my soup, sir.  Itches at night too sir.  No sir.  No, I can't do that sir.  No, it's not a religious thing, I just don't see what difference it makes.  Well hell sir, I'm willing to learn the battle axe, drink 'til I'm drunk on my feet, not spend my gold, hate elves and learn to be funny - I think that's a hell of a lot to ask for already, if you don't mind my saying so.

Well that's pretty much intolerant, sir.  I'll just say it right out, that's as fat-headed as anything I've heard.  To hell with your party, sir.  And even if you do mind it, to hell with you.  Take your party and stuff it.

You don't like that?  You don't like me?  Well you know what, sir, you know who does like me?  My parents, that's who!  Yes, they're alive.  They're alive and they're pretty decent people and I don't have any revenge in me at all.  I think I'll go home right now and have a big bowl of my mother's SOUP!  Without the hair!

I hope an otyugh farts in your face, SIR.


ChicagoWiz said...

That's some pretty funny shit, right there.

Anonymous said...

I remember having that job interview. . .

VERY funny!


Carl said...

Do an elf! Do an elf!


Anonymous said...

I hope you were you laughing as ernestly writing this as I was reading it.

biopunk said...

Good stuff, thanks!

R.W. Chandler said...

Ok, this was pretty freaking hilarious. You DO have a sense of humor, Alexis. I like it!