The Left Field Post

For reasons difficult to fathom, I'm going to hijack this blog and write about something so far out in left field that my voice will emerge with a tinny sound that's hard to hear.

If you are male and you want to stop being single, without being an asshole, a jerk or anything that you are not, listen.

I will get you married.

First of all, make up your mind that you're never going to be anything but honest.  You're never going to speak two words together that don't represent your honest opinion about whatever it is you believe.  Accept that this honesty is going to offend some people, but that it won't matter because the person that likes you won't find whatever you say offensive in the least.  In fact, they will like it.  If you choose not to follow this advice, you will find yourself with people who like you for things you are not, and that will never go to good places.  Therefore, accept it.  Speak truth.  Accept the fall-out.

Make up your mind to be clean, scrubbed, washed and decently smelling no matter when you leave home. That means work, it means hygeine products, it means money and it means changing your habits enormously. I don't suggest you do it because it will make you feel better as a person; I tell you to do it because every minute of every day is going to contain the possibility of having to make a good first impression in this instant, without warning.  I'm saying you don't know when you'll meet him or her - and that you probably already have, dozens of times, except they turned away from you thinking, "yeah, nice, but what a fucking loser."

Now, this next part is going to be critical.  You won't think it is, but it is.  This next part will make all the difference - and if you're a person who's really wanting this, you need to accept that what you want is more important that what you're doing right now.

Find a pattern.  Seriously, it doesn't matter what the pattern is, but find it.  Shop at the same place, buy your coffee at the same place, visit the coffee shop in the same hour, see a movie every Tuesday, walk along the same streets to get there.  Yes, walk.  Get the fuck out of your car.  Your car is a bubble, it's a prison, it's a big fuck-you sign to everyone else in the world.  You need to be accessible.  You must walk places where people can see your clothes, they can see the books you're reading, they can identify your haircut and your look and your whole demeanor.

See, this is based on the principle that, while you're not noticing or seeing the person you may someday have children with, there's a very good chance that they are noticing you.  They are working the shift when you get your coffee, they are taking note of what you're reading or what you're doing.  They're seeing your face every time you smile and frown, and they are making judgements about you.  If you want those to be good judgements, along the lines of 'I would like to see that person again,' then you should be finding ways to do things you like in public.  Going to places you like.  Taking part in things you like to do, even if you are doing those things alone.  Because the one you want is also there, maybe with other people or not - but they are bound to notice that you are there and having a good time and alone.  Especially if they see you next week, and the next, and the week after that.  And if you wear the shoes they like and you have the haircut they like, they'll find a way to talk to you.  They really will.

As for you, you have to talk to people.  You don't have to say anything, especially.  Small talk.  A comment on the weather.  An out-loud chuckle as you read your kindle.  A small comment as you step aside to let them get on the bus first.  Anything, so long as its benign and friendly and you smile slightly, showing that you're not trying.  Because you're not.  You're not going to pick up the girl on the bus by hitting on her.  But the little comment you say today will be given a little chance to grow when she sees you three weeks later on the same bus, and makes a little comment to you.

Because that's how things really start.  Little comments.  Tossed into the world like seeds, looking for a place to grow.

One more thing.  You're going to have to wait.  You're going to have to be patient.  You can't force any of this.  The secret is, get into the outside world and get comfortable there.  You'll find it's easy to meet a lot of people.  So long as what you don't try to do too hard is meet people.  You're just out there, where you can be found.

Now, if you're relaxed, and clean, and relatively happy and unthreatening, and friendly, and you frequent a dozen or more different places each week, you'll meet someone who will get very serious about you.  It's a lot easier than you think.