Victim Card

The term "victim card" typically refers to a situation where someone portrays themselves as a victim in order to gain sympathy or some form of advantage. This can involve stressing their hardships or past traumas in a way that deflects responsibility or justifies certain actions. Sometimes, it's used to manipulate emotions or perceptions in their favour, especially in conflicts or disputes where they may be at fault. Essentially, playing the victim card involves using one's victimhood as a tool for personal gain or to avoid accountability.

The danger of the victim card is that when someone relies on playing it, and others don't respond with the expected sympathy or support, it can lead to an escalated conflict or consequences that the "victim" isn't prepared to manage. This increases the alienation or aggrievement of the individual, so that any resolution that might have been obtained in the original disagreement is now well in the rear-view mirror ... and, in fact, a complete catastrophe is now in progress. A resolution is impossible, because any possibility of open or honest communication is gone. The accused party is deeply insulted and hurt by what they perceive as unfair manipulation or deception, leading to a complete breakdown of trust.

Meanwhile, the accusing party is put in a completely untenable position. If they double down on their original position, they risk exacerbating the conflict and further damaging the relationship. On the other hand, admitting that their original purpose was to seek advantage is impossible, since the original purpose of the manipulation for advantage was almost certainly to avoid having to admit to either a wrongdoing or a shortcoming. Doing so would require a significant amount of humility, vulnerability and self-awareness.

It's the self awareness that's at issue, isn't it? If they were self-aware to begin with, they most likely wouldn't have attempted the manipulation in the first place. Often, it's the lack of self-awareness that contributes to the person resorting to manipulation tactics. If they could accept a shortcoming in themselves, they'd just admit that and move on. If they were aware that the wrongdoing was their fault, they could confess it, apologise, and move on. But from the start, they're able to do neither of those things, because they've already begun to veer away from those self-aware discussions, long before the victim card is played. They've already chosen to manipulate as a form of self-protection ... which is how they see their position. "I am protecting myself." They're not even aware that they're doing this through manipulation. They believe they ARE a victim; and they believe that because, from their point of view, they've suffered the sorts of things victims suffer.

This articulates a very common and complex psychological pattern. Indeed, individuals who resort to this form of manipulation nearly always HAVE experienced tremendous moments of hardship, trauma and actual injustices in their lives. These experiences can deeply shape their perceptions and coping mechanisms — one of those being to accuse and attempt to control others who are around them. They see this as a way of asserting their own sense of agency or seeking validation for the pain they've suffered.

Unfortunately, the strategy of playing the victim card can be quite effective, especially if the accused person is susceptible to manipulation or lacks awareness of the dynamics at play. People who use this tactic often find they can rely on the empathy or guilt of others to aid them in avoiding accountability or gain sympathy ... perpetuating an ongoing cycle of manipulation and conflict. And because that cycle isn't sustainable, individuals who rely upon it find themselves increasingly isolated and unable to develop healthy, genuine connections with others.

Much, much harder, however, is when the someone playing the victim encounters a person who is not only self-aware but also skilled in maintaining their stance without yielding ground, possibly from a lifetime spent in a position of authority or in the military situations, the dynamic can become unexpectedly intense and distressing for the accuser. Having encountered someone who is plainly manipulative, the first response may be one of incredulity or disbelief at the accuser's attempts to garner sympathy. They're almost certain to feel a strong sense of resolve in standing firm against what they perceive as unjust or indecent behaviour, choosing to act unilaterally in order to protect themselves ... and being self-aware and secure in their convictions, has no need to seek validation.

But ... in a public confrontation, the "victim" appears to be the victim. There is no way around this. The demeanour of the defendent is, in fact, less emotionally engaged; lacking in either sympathy or support; wholly callous, cruel and — depending on what they might say — contemptuous in one degree or another.

Thus we have one of the most difficult situations that has arisen in our society, where individuals who manipulate are framed as "the good people" while individuals who stand for their beliefs and who refuse to be manipulated are "the bad people." There's really no way out of this conundrum. Sometimes I'm rather pleased that I'm only going to live another 10 or 20 years, as watching this situation evolve over the last twenty convinces me that when I'm 80, it wouldn't be a such a bad time to just bow out.

The Gentle Reader can probably guess that I'm in the middle of experiencing some of this nonsense. It is the reason that there was no Saturday Q&A yesterday, and not even the desire on my part to explain at this time that it wouldn't be written. Anyone who has been in my position, who is familiar with standing their emotional ground, who doesn't need validation to feel good about themselves afterwards, nevertheless cannot help but be affected by the toxicity and the pure, unpleasant foulness of having to deal with the situation. Our distress actually has very little to do with the accuser, who can be conveniently dumped on whatever human garbage heap that's available. Our distress arises from the disquieting unpleasantness that these people exist, that they're everywhere, that they cannot be wholly avoided and that they will never, ever, receive any of the counselling they so desperately need, nor the consequences they have so richly earned.

It's something that we, who did what we had to do to be better people, have to live with.