June 1st and we made it. Our rent is paid. Still, we'd talked about it all around and we're packing it in. Literally packing. We've decided that, come what may, employment or not, we're going to close the apartment and move in with my daughter.
Things are just coming apart. Living month after month in a cloud of uncertainty has been making it harder and harder to maintain a sense of composure. There have been some fights, though not many; mostly it is just a long struggle with ennui and flat out depression. So, unlike a D&D character fighting a dragon, we're going to retreat.
We began putting stuff in boxes today. My daughter is remaking her space so that there is space for us. The mood around here has improved a little - but as we have been living in this space for more than seven years now, sentimentality is an issue. I am sure there will be many tearful days coming up, many days of our sitting around and discussing things that we're going to miss. Yet even in this there is hope. If we can get some time to get on our feet emotionally, maybe we can figure out a way to apply ourselves once again to the problem of finding real work.
The painful reality is that, inevitably, after so many failed job interviews, so many expectations that don't pan out or turn out to be screwed over by employers who don't pay the wages that are owed or breaking a finger and getting fucked again in a whole different way, only to learn that I'm just too fucking tired to live up to the expectations of a third restaurant job, it's clear that the mental damage has been stacked out of control.
Hell, the biggest issue with my book right now isn't knowing what to write or the quality of the writing, but the goddamn crippling motivation to write. I work on it every day and I make headway every day - but a thousand words a day of writing and rewriting isn't fast enough. I need three times that and it's not coming. I made only 30,000 words forward in May.
Okay, so, June. If I can do that again this month, I'll have the book finished; but it will still be time after that to polish the language and have the editor go through it. So now it is looking like the Fifth Man that should have been finished this week is looking at some time in July. Goddamn it.
My apologies to those who have supported me. Please forgive me as I make you wait for the resolution to that cliff hanger just a little longer.
That's all for now. I'm bound to be in better shape once the Rubicon is full and clearly crossed and my mind stops worrying, for this month at least. If I can get everything else off the table, teach some classes, stop harping about money on the blog and just write . . . I'll be fine.